Jarrett Bellini :: Random Article Project

Hermen Rode

2010-11-23T10:49:00.014-05:00

Name one German painter. Just one. And it can't be Hitler.

Ha! I knew you couldn't do it. That's because we generally don't think of Germans when it comes to visual art. At least I don't. But then again, I only passed my middle school humanities class because I'm sure Mrs. Baker wanted me out of her life. I once ate all of the Werther's Originals that she kept on her desk and my mom made me buy her a new bag.

Whatever. She was a mean, horrible woman. I'm glad I ate all her candy, and I'd do it again.

The point is this. You need to know a German painter, and now I've got one for you. His name was Herman Rode, and in the 15th century he was one of the country's most accomplished artists. You could even say he was bigger than David Hasselhoff. But you'd be wrong. Because, for Germans, nobody is bigger than David Hasselhoff!

Despite the article's claim of Rode's importance, further research outside of Wikipedia reveals that his only signed painting was St. Luke's Altar. This was in 1484. However, another site called WikiGallery.org offers up two other paintings attributed to Mr. Rode, neither of which are St. Luke's Altar. This leads me to believe that the interwebs has absolutely no idea who the hell this guy is.

That said, one of these structural paintings does provide us with some insight into what was going on inside the artist's head... which is to say that Mr. Rode probably needed a hug.

Behold! His four squares of death... aka: Scenes From the Life of St. Victor from the Inner Section of the Right Exterior Wing of the Former Main Altar in St. Nicholass Church.

In the first quadrant we see St. Victor being bound. In the next, we see him being beaten by sticks. The third quadrant shows him being beheaded. And in the last quadrant we see his body being thrown into the river, his head resting on the grass.

It was a tragic incident of kinky German sex gone wrong. Remember kids... always have a safe word.

Mine is David Hasselhoff.

[wikipedia article] [home]

Office Spaceman (American Dad! Episode)

2010-11-17T13:49:00.016-05:00

When it comes to animated comedies on TV, it seems as though Seth MacFarlane can do no wrong... unless, of course, you are offended by the occasional AIDS joke. In which case, you might argue that he can do no right.

Thankfully, I lack a soul and am literally offended by nothing. Thus, I find pretty much everything to be funny. It also helps that I have the mental capacity of nine-year-old who has the mental capacity of a seven-year-old.

Read: I'm pretty much Seth MacFarlane's target demographic.

That said, I've never been a big fan of American Dad!. It definitely has it's moments, but just doesn't violate me in that special way in which Family Guy and Cleveland Show seem able to do each and every week.

The point is, American Dad! is not something I watch regularly and I've never seen this particular episode. By 9:30pm on Sundays I'm usually in bed with my lover.

My lover spends an absurd amount of time licking the place where his balls used to be.

Right. So Office Spaceman. In this episode, Roger - the self-centered, sarcastic alien who lives with the Smith family - has been featured in a 'spotted alien' picture printed on the front page of the local paper. And, as it turns out, Roger has been purposefully taking photos of himself and selling them to papers for quick cash.

I also tried this, but no dailies seemed interested in a random photograph of some guy named Jarrett.

"Jim, this photo just arrived on the senior editor's desk."
"Good God! What is it?"
"I don't know. But it's ugly."

Eventually, Roger disguises himself as a human and goes to work for the CIA, "helping" them solve the case of the mysterious alien... which, of course, is him.

Hilarity ensues. Or not.

The wiki entry goes on to discuss a variety of moments from the episode, but the only one that sort of struck me was 'when Roger is about to be cut open, he yells that he does not want to die before William Shatner.'

I don't really know why, but that's funny.

However, I still don't feel violated.

[wikipedia article] [home]

Alexander Uhlig

2010-11-10T09:37:00.022-05:00

Alexander Uhlig was a highly decorated German Fallschirmjäger during World War II. And being that his military role contains the suffix jäger I can only assume this means he spent lots of time singing karaoke in bars with me and my college friends.

Strange... I don't seem to remember him.

In actuality, the German word jäger means hunter. And the word Fallschirm means parachute. Thus, breaking it all down, we learn that Uhlig was, in fact, a Nazi paratrooper. And, just for those of you who were wondering, the German word meister translates to master. Thus, in English, Jägermeister translates to Mistakes Will Be Made.

Even after many earlier successful missions in Czechoslovakia, Norway, and Crete, Uhlig's most notable military accomplishment came in June 1944, again in Norway. You know how dangerous those vikings can be.

However, this had nothing to do with Norwegians - his accomplishments there actually came at the expense of U.S. troops, when Uhlig's small 30-man group took down an entire American battalion.

Capturing over 230 prisoners, including the battalion commander and eleven other officers, Uhlig was awarded the Knight's Cross of the Iron Cross on October 29th, 1944. This was the highest award of Germany to recognize extreme battlefield bravery or successful military leadership during World War II.

It was a vast contrast from the famous Nazi Lace Butterfly, awarded for cowardice and general apathy.

Despite Uhlig's impressive achievements in battle, perhaps his greatest historical legacy comes from April 1947 when he managed to escape from a French and U.S. prisoner of war camp located in Burton-on-Trent, England. Amazingly, he was already being closely monitored as a potential escapee when he simply used a dummy during roll call.

"Uhlig? Uhlig? Uhlig? Anyone? Anyone?"

Three days later, when officials finally realized he was gone, Uhlig was already back in Germany, presumably enjoying copious amounts of chocolate and beer. Because, you know, that's what Germans like.

Uhlig was never recaptured by allied forces, and actually went on to earn a engineering degree. He then worked for various well-known German companies before finally retiring at age 65.

The famous German war hero eventually died in November 2008, however nobody realized he was dead until sometime last week.

"Uhlig? Uhlig? Uhlig? Anyone? Anyone?"

[wikipedia article] [home]

Dobromierzyce

2010-11-08T00:14:00.016-05:00

I swear I'm not making this up.

It's 12:15am on Monday morning and I'm just getting home from a late work shoot (interviewing the band Mumford & Sons). Being still somewhat awake, and being that it's now technically Monday, I figured I would get a jump start on today's random article. And wouldn't you know it... I got ANOTHER small village in Poland!

I kid you not! Absolute, complete madness! In fact, it was just this past Wednesday that I joked about a conspiracy theory by the Polish to conquer Wikipedia, and now I'm actually starting to believe it. Seriously.

Don't believe me? Look for yourself. THIS was from August 9th. And THIS was on July 7th.

Small. Polish. Villages.

So, in light of this conspiracy, I am hereby banning all small Polish villages from this blog. It's not that I have anything against the Polish - save for their sinister plot to take over the interwebs - but I simply can't handle trying to make a bunch of sheep farmers in the Carpathian Mountains appear interesting. It's just not possible

So, to the people of Poland, please know that I love you. You're pierogi are delicious and your women are super hot. I also really like your sausages.

But to the shadowy figures who insist on messing with Wikipedia...

Oh, but did I mention that your women are super hot?

[wikipedia article] [home]

W. H. Romaine-Walker

2010-11-04T17:26:00.030-04:00

I suppose I have a bit of Seinfeld's George Costanza in me, for I think if I could do it all over again I would become an architect. That, or a trust fund baby.

Yes. Definitely a trust fund baby.

But if I absolutely had to work - and I mean absolutely HAD to work - I'm certain I would have enjoyed being an architect.

And that's why today's subject of our random article - an architect - excites me more than just a little bit. Though, it appears I've actually managed to wet myself, so it might have simply been a seizure.

Nevertheless, I remain fascinated by any individual who visualizes and creates buildings - those who find inspiration and personal satisfaction by seeing the final structural manifestation of an idea.

Of course, to be completely honest, if I was the fabled Howard Roark I totally would have sold out for the money. Like, big time!

So suck it, Ayn Rand.

Our subject, W. H. Romaine-Walker, was an Englishman whose body of work spanned from the late 1800's through the beginning of the 20th century. Among an impressive list of designs, perhaps his greatest work was an extension to London's famous Tate Gallery.

Actually, it may not be his greatest work. But I've heard of the Tate Gallery. Thus, I deem it his most impressive design. End of story.

As the comedian George Carlin once said, "These are my rules. I make 'em up."

The bulk of Romaine-Walker's work was, like his Tate design, simply additions, reconstructions, and modifications to existing designs. In a sense, it was sort of like making a lucrative career by adding decorative flames to perfectly good toasters.

But that's sort of the history of innovation. Let somebody else make something... then make it better. Or at least different. In fact, the more I think about it, innovation is totally overrated.

So suck it, Ayn Rand.

[wikipedia article] [home]

Swajnie

2010-11-03T08:34:00.020-04:00

Just three days back into the groove of writing about random articles and the Wiki gods have given me yet another small village in Poland. I don't get it.

Call me a crazy conspiracy theorist, but mark my words - the content of the interwebs is being controlled by sinister forces in Warsaw. Or Krakow. Or perhaps some other city in Poland if I was smart enough to actually name one. Which, sadly, I'm not.

But, alas, this is what we get. Swajnie... "a village in the administrative district of Gmina Lidzbark Warmiński, within Lidzbark County, Warmian-Masurian Voivodeship, in northern Poland."

Before 1945 the area was part of Germany (East Prussia). However, apparently, there was some minor military disagreement around that time - one which overzealous historians have hyperbolized as something called World War II - and that... well, that sort of changed things. For one guy, especially.

That must've been awful.

So, Swajnie became no longer a part of Germany, but rather just a small village in Poland. Yep. Just a village. And I'm pretty sure nothing overly important has ever happened there, save for, perhaps, the great athletic fabric famine of 2006. I mean, just look at what these poor Polish ladies were forced to wear...

That must've been awful.

[wikipedia article] [home]

Mark-Anthony Turnage

2010-11-01T11:02:00.007-04:00

For some reason, when I think of composers of classical music I don't immediately think of English blokes. I picture them maybe listening to classical music, but not actually creating it.

I don't know why that is - there's no reasonable logic to it. Maybe it's because I spend a lot of time in soccer pubs and am more familiar with the chain-smoking variety of Englishman who drinks beer at eight in the morning while rapid-firing his favorite profanities at the referee on TV.

Though, to be fair, the referee usually is a bloody wanker.

Today, however, we will meet a man of culture. A man of style. A man of the arts. And you'll be surprised to know that I'm not talking about Nick Nolte.

For, here, our distinguished gentleman is Mark-Anthony Turnage, an English composer of classical music whom Wikipedia refers to as prolific. Thus, by definition of the word prolific, we are to understand that he produces many, many works of his art.

Sadly, however, when it comes to music, the band Creed is also quite prolific.

But whereas Creed has treated the world to a product that, really, is best taken out in the back yard and shot, the contributions of Mark-Anthony Turnage seem to be well appreciated by people who actually understand complex music. This, of course, does not include fans of Creed.

Heavily influenced by Miles Davis, the wikipedia article claims that Turnage enjoys the reputation of being one of the few modern classical composers who can write 'proper modern jazz'

So well appreciated, in fact, in 2006 Turnage was honored to be named a co-composer-in-residence of the Chicago Symphony Orchestra. However, the article fails to mention any accomplishments since that appointment. So, I am left only to believe that he got big and fat on Polish sausage and has spent the past four years in a diabetic coma.

Which is probably a good thing... Creed is back together.

Note: Sorry for the time off. I was out of the country for a long while and then, upon my return, had a hard time getting back in the groove. I decided to start up again in November. That would be today. Thanks for all the emails and messages!

[wikipedia article] [home]

The Random Returns in November!

2010-10-15T12:08:00.002-04:00

Stay tuned...

Five finger exercise

2010-08-23T11:00:00.009-04:00

Immediately, I thought this might have something to do with people who are too lazy to properly work out, so, instead, they furiously clutch a Twinkie and maybe squeeze it a few times.

"Oh yeah! My hypothenar is feeling the burn! (nom nom nom)"

However, this particular article is referencing the special exercises that might be done my a musician. Though, if you happen to be Widepread Panic's Dave Schools, your musical five finger exercise might actually be eating a Twinkie.

Granted, you'd also be one hell of a bass player.

The use of the word exercise in the case of five finger exercises shouldn't be confused as referencing tension and resistance training as if you were going to LA Fitness. This is more about performing certain compositions with the intent of building muscle memory and dexterity. So, no protein shake needed.

Now, here's what I really found somewhat interesting: five finger exercise can also be used as an analogy to describe a non-music related development of skill. Wikipedia gives the example of asking students already-solved questions in philosophy or economics.

This is also known as just... studying.

Anyway, I'm bored by this topic so I'm going to stop now. Besides, it's just a lot of typing.

And quite frankly... my hypothenar is feeling the burn!

[wikipedia article] [home]

WikiPilipinas

2010-08-20T07:00:00.006-04:00

Well this is interesting. A Wikipedia entry about... Wikipedia.

Sort of.

Technically, it's not really about Wikipedia, but something like Wikipedia. It's WikiPilipinas! Which, if you say it fast, kinda sounds like Wicky Pilly Penis. Which, if you say it to your doctor, kinda sounds like you need a shot of penicillin. Which, if you say that incorrectly, kinda sounds like Penis Illin'. Which, when you think about it, kinda sounds like you might have a bad case of Wicky Pilly Penis.

See how we went full circle? Oh, and did I mention Wicky Pilly Penis burns like hell? Just ask A-Rod.

But WikiPilipinas - the website - is actually just a Wikipedia-styled information portal for all things Philippines. And while the site may appear and function like Wikipedia, WikiPilipinas allows for far less encyclopedic entries.

That's assuming you think everything in the real Wikipedia is 100% encyclopedic in the first place - it being completely factual and maintained by experts. Which it's not.

Unlike Wikipedia, the guidelines of WikiPilipinas encourage "balanced presentation, but not a neutral point of view" and "does not believe that any view can ever be neutral."

Wikipedia articles, on the other hand, must be written from a neutral point of view.

So, you know, remember that next time you get inspired to update the entry for Dairy Queen. It's OK to say they make an Oreo Blizzard. It's NOT OK to say that, comparatively, it beats the crap out of the Butterfinger Blizzard.

Woops. Too late.

Jarrett 1. Wikipedia 0.

I rule.

Pegged as "The biggest collaborative writing project in the Philippines," WikiPilipinas currently has nearly 68,000 articles in English. Unfortunately, 67,000 of them are about Manny Pacquiao.

Seriously. They love that guy. If the entire country could collectively stop what they were doing and have disgusting, sloppy group sex with Pacquiao all at the same time, they would.

Of course, half the population would probably then come down with Wicky Pilly Penis.

[wikipedia article] [home]

Charmaine (musician)

2010-08-16T09:21:00.024-04:00

It's no secret. My very favorite band, the Grateful Dead, loved drugs. I mean really loved drugs. Yet, only a small handful of their songs are actually about drugs.

Granted, almost all of them were written on drugs, but it would certainly get a bit tiresome if lyricists Robert Hunter and John Barlow sat around all day thinking up new lines about, well, lines. There's simply more to life.

So, while I don't necessarily judge Christian music - and by that I mean I just sort of judge Christian music - I do have to question the creative process of constantly writing about God and all things spiritual. Seems like it would get a bit old, doesn't it?

"Thank you, Phoenix! Here's another one off our new album. It's about God! Again."

Now, I generally think of Christian music as an American thing. So, I was a little surprised to learn that today's random article subject is an Australian Christian rock artist of Chilean descent.

However, it's worth noting that she was born in America while her parents' music group, Endless Praise, was on tour - I think they were opening for Mötley Crüe

"Um, Mr. Lee, we're having Bible study. Could you put some pants on... maybe?"

Thus ending the career of one rather reckless concert promoter.

Now, to be fair, I gave Charmaine's music a bit of a listen and I have to say that it wasn't bad and it wasn't too preachy. Still not my thing, but it certainly didn't wiggle my gag reflex. Which is usually the case with Christian music. Remember Christian Side Hug?

Of course, I don't mean to take anything away from her mission. Charmaine is definitely a Christian artist. And the three songs I listened to on her website, while fairly decent and not overly in-your-face spiritual, don't really tell her whole story.

Consider that her 2002 debut album was titled All About Jesus, and the first song was I Love You, Lord.

I won't poke fun - I'm sure it's a super happy album!

But, in terms of obvious spirituality, I Love You, Lord is a rather far cry from opening your record with, say, a tune called Let's Snort Coke and Have Unprotected Sex with Multiple Anonymous Partners.

Which, actually, isn't a bad song title. Might have to bring that one to my band.

I'm just saying, kids, it's the logical next step from the Christian Side Hug.

[wikipedia article] [home]

Sonia Lannaman

2010-08-13T11:07:00.007-04:00

The 100 meters is the shortest outdoor sprint race, the winner often being called the fastest man or woman in the world. Yep. If you can beat the best over a mere 328 feet that honor can be yours!

Wow. That's as far as I got on this one. Massively busy morning. Will try harder next week. See? I hope you appreciate the effort I put into this thing... or, in this case, the lack-there-of.

[wikipedia article] [photo 1] [photo 2] [photo 3] [photo 4] [home]

XM800 Armored Reconnaissance Scout Vehicle

2010-08-11T07:00:00.012-04:00

Yes! Now we're talking cool stuff!

Seriously, if you don't dig on giant cannon-topped, man-splitting Army machines, than I'm thinking we shouldn't play pretend war with each other. Because I'll pretend to have one of these, and I'll destroy you.

(It's still OK for a thirty-one-year-old to play pretend, right?)

Whatever. I don't care. I like gnarly-looking military creations, and I especially like gnarly-looking military creations that cost millions of dollars to produce but never make it into full production because they're too gnarly-looking.

And that's exactly the case with the conceptualized XM800, for it was in the 1970's that the US Army set out to replace their existing armored personnel carriers. Unfortunately, in what would have been a HUGE time saver, the Saturn Vue hadn't yet been invented.

'Cause you know they would've been like, "Oh, daaaamn. Problem solved!"

So, in lieu of a Saturn, they initiated the MICV-65 program to design this machine of the future - the quest for a more perfect Mechanized Infantry Combat Vehicle.

Ultimately, two different designs came from this project. The Lockheed company build a totally awesome six-wheeled armored car called the XM800W. It was an angry moon-lander looking thing that could climb over rocks and...

(Whoa! Crazy editorial note. Somehow I just got massively sidetracked during that previous sentence and spent the last twenty minutes Googling hot WNBA players. Totally random, but worth it. I give you... Lauren Jackson.)

But digress...

The other design was the XM800T, designed by a company called FMC... a chemical manufacturing company headquartered in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. Yes. A chemical company. Without even looking at the design I can tell you that that thing had WMD written all over it.

However, actually looking at it, the XM800T is pretty much just your standard tank. Personally, I liked the Lockheed design. This one just lacks imagination... like it was put together by the writers of Two and a Half Men.

Of course, it's all a moot point because nothing ever became of either design. However, according to the wiki, the project did offer the military valuable insight that ultimately resulted in the M2 Bradley, which is still used today.

And it pretty much rules your face.

"Oh, daaaamn. Problem solved!"

[wikipedia article] [home]

Postołowo, Pomeranian Voivodeship

2010-08-09T11:04:00.023-04:00

This is such crap, Wikipedia!

It was almost exactly a month ago that my random article was about some tiny, insignificant village in Poland. And today... we get another tiny, insignificant village in Poland.

Seriously. This is such crap, Wikipedia!

Look, I've got nothing against the country or the people, but learning about some unpronounceable home of 203 people is not going to help me kick ass during bar trivia. Hell, probably not even bar trivia in Poland!

"Next question, yes? According to Wikipedia, what village, right here in our motherland, lies approximately 7 kilometres south-west of Trąbki Wielkie, 19 km south-west of Pruszcz Gdański, and 29 km south-west of the regional capital Gdańsk? You have one polka song to answer the question."

But, as I've said before... rules are rules. I take what I get. And I've got this place - "a village in the administrative district of Gmina Trąbki Wielkie, within Gdańsk County, Pomeranian Voivodeship, in northern Poland."

As I already mentioned, it only has a population of 203 people which, sadly, leads me to believe that the band Widespread Panic has never gone their on tour. And they probably don't even have a halfway decent strip club.

They must be so bored.

Ah, but there is a glimmer of hope!

One line from this rather short wiki entry reads: "For details of the history of the region, see History of Pomerania."

This suggests that, perhaps, something interesting once happened here, presumably more noteworthy than a local thumb war competition. Which, mind you, I would probably watch with great enthusiasm.

So, I clicked on this History of Pomerania hoping to learn anything of relevance, specific to the village of Postołowo. Amazingly, at first glance, it seemed promising. There is, indeed, a rather lengthy history to this region.

However, when I searched for the word Postołowo, I came up empty. Thus, we can deduce that lots of things have happened in this region... none of which having anything to do with today's random article.

This is such crap, Wikipedia!

Note: I'm experimenting with Wordpress as a possible new home for this blog, but I'm not completely sold by the way it functions. So, if you have time, click here and let me know what you think of the layout and ease of use. Thanks!

[wikipedia article] [home]

Amsinckia tessellata

2010-08-06T11:00:00.015-04:00

Hooray. Another plant.

I'm actually convinced that nine out of ten entries on Wikipedia focus on vegetation or insects, thus leading me to the conclusion that the world has too many of both. Hell, my backyard has too many of both.

I deal with these neucences by ignoring them. My theory is that the weeds will die from neglect and the mosquitoes, not being able to get to me within the confines of my house, will move on to bloodier pastures.

In the meantime, I'll watch Law & Order re-runs until the fall. Which I was sort of planning to do anyway.

Lenny Briscoe be thy name.

Today's plant is "a species of fiddleneck known by the common names bristly fiddleneck and devil's lettuce."

OK. Now I'm interested.

What can I say? I'm a complete effing child and devil's lettuce sort of sounds like a funny euphemism for butt hair. However, the Urban Dictionary suggests that it's actually a term used for marijuana. And who am I to argue with the Urban Dictionary?

Native to western North America, devil's lettuce can be found from British Columbia all the way down to New Mexico in any number of environments. Do note, however, that I'm not referring to butt hair and/or pot, which can be found pretty much everywhere... though not in the exact same place. At least not until they make plant-filled THC suppositories.

And even then, would you really want to?

But, for those who are adventurous and, perhaps, a bit kinky, maybe that day will come. Sometimes dreams do come true. Even really messed up marijuana butt-dreams.

(Suggestion: Try it with Phish's 47-minute Headphones Jam.)

And though Jerry Orbach is no longer with us, his legacy lives on each and every day in wonderful reruns of Law & Order, perfect for zoning out after your disgusting double dose of devil's lettuce.

Lenny Briscoe be thy name.

[wikipedia article] [photo 1] [photo 2] [photo 3] [photo 4] [home]

List of NGC objects (6000–6999)

2010-08-04T11:00:00.009-04:00

Holy crap.

Today's random article deals with two of my weakest intellectual abilities - science and numbers. I'm not sure whether that makes me left or right brained, but I'm fairly confident that I am neither.

Unless, of course, one of those sides happens to give you horrible, awful gas. In which case... I'm that side. Often.

But I'm going to give this a shot - the whole point of my blog is to gain random knowledge, and one of these days it's bound to actually work. But probably not.

So, according the wiki, this somewhat enigmatic title actually refers to "a list of objects... in the New General Catalogue (NGC)."

Naturally, then,we must first examine what, exactly, the New General Catalogue actually is. (Great idea! Thanks.)

The New General Catalogue is "a well-known catalogue of deep sky objects in astronomy. It contains 7,840 objects, known as the NGC objects. The NGC is one of the largest comprehensive catalogues, as it includes all types of deep space objects and is not confined to, for example, galaxies."

I'm not going to search for it, but I'm assuming the phrase 'in astronomy' therefore excludes James Doohan's ashes. (Yes, they really did beam Scotty up!)

Originally compiled in the 1880's, the NGC is sort of the Bible for all those shiny things in the night sky. And as our topic specifically focuses on shiny things 6,000 through 6,999 I thought it might be fun to take just one of these items and give it a closer look.

Well, it won't really be fun. But it's what we're doing.

I asked my co-worker, Nick, to pick a number within our current range of one-thousand. He chose: 6,427. Unfortunately, the wiki does not actually include anything for that particular number.

You suck, Nick.

So, I rounded down to the nearest available entry: 6,405.

This entry refers to the Butterfly Cluster (also cataloged as Messier 6 or M6). A cluster of stars in the constellation Scorpius, the Butterfly Cluster gets its name for its resemblance to, well, a butterfly. That's what it says, anyway.

I don't see it.

But if you have a telescope, feel free to decide on your own. It's coordinates are: 17^h 40.1^m 00^s, +32° 13′ 00″.

Amazingly, if you type that into your car's GPS, it takes you to a Whataburger in Phoenix!

The point is this. Crazy-smart scientists have put together a list of all the cool stuff in space, and it's all online in case you are so inclined to search for something. Just so long as that something isn't number 6,427.

You suck, Nick.

[wikipedia article] [photo 1] [photo 2] [photo 3] [home]

Thottbot

2010-08-02T08:00:00.021-04:00

Today's random article deals with the tremendously popular online fantasy role-playing game, World of Warcraft... known simply as WoW for most enthusiasts, and also commonly referred to as The Reason I Pee in Gatorade Bottles and Haven't Seen the Outside of My Apartment in Over Two Months.

And that is why, here, I immediately just wanted to start poking fun at Thottbot and its users... because of its relation to WoW. This is truly the stuff of uber-nerds. But then I did some serious soul searching and came to two realizations.

One: I'm a short Jew. L'chaim.

And two: Who am I to judge these nerds? I mean, I do, after all, play fantasy football. And when you think about it, it's easily just as dork-worthy as all those other so-called 'nerdy' online role-playing games.

For real. It's no different than, say, Dungeons and Dragons. Only, in the case of fantasy football you are playing the role of a football GM and head coach. And since football is a tough, physical sport, society has deemed talking about your fantasy team to be slightly less moronic than talking about battle axes and sorcerers. But just slightly.

And whereas publicly discussing - I don't know - your new magic sword of doom would be considered socially uncool, somehow it's perfectly OK to walk into a bar and say to a complete stranger, "Gee, Brett Favre better come back - he's on my faaaaaaaaantasy team."

It's completely insane! But screw you. This year, Bellini AFC is making a title run.

So, all that said, let's now learn a bit about this Thottbot thing because, apparently, it's rather important to the WoW people. Unlike bathing and going on dates. (Damn. That didn't last long.)

According to the wiki, Thottbot "is an unofficial World of Warcraft plug-in and database website."

Essentially, many people who play WoW automatically collect their game statistics with the plug-in and then upload this detailed information to the Thottbot website where, presumably, other enthusiasts can then view the collected material and, Christ, I don't know, use it for masturbation?

But don't laugh. Statistics prove that this is good stuff. In fact, in March 2008, the web traffic company Alexa even reported that Thottbot was the 250th most widely visited site on the internet, only being edged out by 248 different porn sites and Google.

And speaking of Google... the homepage for Thottbot closely resembles its famous minimalist design. Basically, there's a search box and a couple other small buttons. As an experiment, really not knowing anything at all about WoW, I typed in a random word: Taco.

Nothing came up.

So, I tried something that seemed like it would be more befitting a game called World of Warcraft: Fire.

Results!

In addition to a banner ad for Domino's Pizza (they know who's staying home on Friday night), the word Fire came back with several different category boxes, the content of each having something to do with fire. The category boxes included: Factions, Items, Quests, Abilities, Achievements, Talents, Recipes, Creatures, Creatures (Title), Objects, Uncategorized Spells, Spell Effects, and Skill Lines.

I really like stuffing my big fat face, so I decided to choose something from the Recipes box. I clicked: Elixir of Firepower.

On the next page, I learned that making the Elixir of Firepower requires mixing two parts fire oil to one part kingsblood in a leaded vial. However, it didn't specify which king's blood, so, naturally, I assume it has to come from B.B. King.

Which is a good. He's diabetic. There should be plenty of test strips laying around.

Anyway, it turns out that the Elixir of Firepower increases your fire spell power by 10 for one hour. Whatever the hell that means.

I might have researched it further, but I have far more pressing concerns on my mind. Like a certain old-man quarterback who seems more interested in earning a Tony than a Super Bowl ring..

Seriously. Brett Favre better come back - he's on my faaaaaaaaantasy team.

Post-Note: I'd like to give a special shout out to my friend Holly Johnson Matz Pettersson for, after reading this, teaching me more about WoW and Thottbot. I'm still not at all interested in this stuff, but I do appreciate the knowledge.

[wikipedia article] [photo 1] [photo 2] [photo 3] [photo 4] [photo 5] [home]

Rhythm of Love (Yes song)

2010-07-30T08:00:00.005-04:00

There are bad songs and there are terrible songs.

And then there's this song. Which is both bad and terrible, sprinkled with little tiny bits of awful. Then smothered in dog poo. Twice.

To put it another way, it's as if Kokomo and We Built This City met in a biker bar, slipped into the back alley, had really gross sex, and then nine months later gave birth to Rhythm of Love in a Dairy Queen bathroom.

That bad.

And the video... it's right up there with being forced to watch a Danny DeVito colonoscopy.

But maybe I just have a thing against late 80's English pop. Which I do.

The band Yes is widely considered one of the pioneers of progressive rock, a genre that "developed in the late 1960s and early 1970s as part of a 'mostly British attempt to elevate rock music to new levels of artistic credibility.'"

"Hey, Nigel... let's take our already bad music, and make it worse."
"Great idea! Can we add excessive synthesizers?
"Yes."

Amazingly, Rhythm of Love appeared on the band's twelfth album, 1987's Big Generator - which is what they probably needed to power up all their cheeseball keyboards.

Rhythm of Love went on to become one of their most popular songs, primarily because their fans wouldn't know a good tune if it came up and farted in their face.

"Mmmm, I smell a Yes song. Let's go to Dairy Queen!"

[wikipedia article] [photo 1] [photo 2] [home]

No Penis for You!

2010-07-29T15:02:00.006-04:00

I appreciate all your hard work trying to get Wednesday's blog entry to 300 views by the end of that day. We didn't quite make it. Still, 173 isn't too shabby! Thanks again, everyone, for your effort. We'll try it again sometime soon.

Nicki Minaj

2010-07-28T08:00:00.025-04:00

Special Note: If 300 people view today's entry before midnight, tomorrow I will post a nude photo of myself for all the world to see. Full frontal. It won't be pretty... but I promise I'll do it. So get tweetin' and start facebookin'!

I tend to listen to a lot of blues and progressive bluegrass, and my favorite band of all time is the Grateful Dead. So, needless to say, I'm not exactly an expert when it comes to hip-hop.

I know. I know. Everybody thinks I'm some sort of hip-hop genius. It's crazy. I can barely go out in public.

The truth is, I do know a few modern hip-hop names and even own a couple of albums. In fact, if you peruse my iTunes library, hidden among my 80-plus live Dead shows you'll actually find some K'naan and k-os.

Granted, you'll also find Eric Carmen, so it's probably best if you stay safely away from my iTunes. Wouldn't want to make you lose control.

But today's random article subject is so new and so ready to pop that I feel like I'm letting the cat out of the bag. Unless, that is, you've already heard of Nicki Minaj. In which case... eff off. Don't steal my thunder.

Nicki Minaj (Onika Tanya Maraj by birth) is a 25-year-old singer/rapper who recently signed on to Lil Wayne's label, Young Money Entertainment - Minaj smartly declined a deal with my label, Cries Himself to Sleep in the Fetal Position Records.

Guess it doesn't quite have the same ring to it. Though, in what we feel was a major coup, we did sign Corey Feldman.

Amazingly, Nicki Minaj was actually discovered on MySpace, presumably from her work as a backup singer for various New York City rappers. Soon, she was collaborating with Lil Wayne on a 2007 mixtape called Playtime is Over. Minaj appeared on the album's cover as a Barbie Doll.

Ken subsequently issued a press release, revealing that he was, "Totally aroused."

Just like the real Barbie, Minaj is known for her rather sexual image. However, in an interview with Interview magazine - printed on paper by Paper Company and published by Publishing Inc. - the rising star said, “I made a conscious decision to try to tone down the sexiness, I want people — especially young girls — to know that in life, nothing is going to be based on sex appeal. You’ve got to have something else to go with that.”

Survey says...

Sexy or not, here she comes. Her debut album drops on November 23rd, and word is already out that will.i.am is even somehow involved with the record.

(Spoiler alert. If you take out the two periods, will.i.am spells William. You're welcome.)

And even though her big introduction to the music world is still several months away, you can already check out a couple of her singles online. Her most popular song to date is Your Love, and the music video depicts two female martial arts students vying for the love of a hunky samurai. His decision is made so much easier when the two ladies fight to the death.

High five, dude!

Having seen the video, Ken released yet another press release, revealing to the world that, yes, he remains "totally aroused."

Note: Because I want Lil Wayne to quote me in any pre-release press about the album, and despite the fact that I haven't actually listened to the record, here is my official review: This is the best hip-hop album to come out in a decade. Truly amazing! Nicki Minaj has changed everything.

[wikipedia article] [photo 1] [photo 2] [photo 3] [home]

Fan Zhongyan

2010-07-26T11:00:00.016-04:00

Special Note: This week, as a simplification experiment, Random Article Project will only be published three times - Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Like you give a crap.

The most frequent result for a web-searched image of this ancient Chinese political figure depicts an ornately dressed man holding what appears to be a delicious Olive Garden bread stick. Which answers my personal lifelong burning question: Did ancient Chinese politicians enjoy Olive Garden bread sticks?

The answer is yes. When you're here, you're family!

But when he wasn't hastily stuffing his gob with Italian cuisine, Fan Zhongyan was pretty much busy ruling over China.

Born in 989 - which was a great year for Merlot - Fan triumphed as both a politician and a great literary figure during China's Song dynasty. Unfortunately, the song was Never Gonna Give You Up.

A lot of people don't know this, but ancient China was Rickrolled before it was even cool.

After proving his worth for many years in the central government, Fan-Man went on to become chancellor of the entire Chinese government. His first order of business was banning Rickrolls... after which he was immediately Rickrolled.

Yes, the Song Dynasty (960 - 1279) was quite ahead of its time, for, even then, it knew that Rick Astley sucked!

But here are some other amazing firsts that made it such a rad dynasty...

- First government in world history to issue banknotes (paper money)... and for that coke heads all over the planet are grateful! Like REALLY REALLY grateful!

- First known use of gunpowder... blowing stuff up is cool.

- First discernment of true north using a compass... people finally notice Canada.

The Song Dynasty was actually quite progressive in so many ways it would make your head spin. For instance, they were forward thinking enough to establish retirement homes as well as promote the rise in restaurant dining.

These, of course, likely led to the invent of the Early Bird Special.

When you're here, you're family!

[wikipedia article] [photo 1] [photo 2] [photo 3] [home]

Farouk Jiwa

2010-07-23T11:59:00.028-04:00

I like this. Ending strong and positive on a Friday!

Just for a change of pace, the subject of today's random article is someone who actually appears to be completely deserving of wiki recognition. Unlike, say, Mozart's cousin, who we very recently learned was only famous for wanting to do Wolfgang. Which is kind of gross.

But this guy... this guy is doing great things, and, despite the fact that he likely won't end up as a Jeopardy! question, it's nice that now you'll at least know his name. Unless you forget it. Which you probably will.

But try to remember Farouk Jiwa, the current director of CARE Enterprise Partners, which is "a division of CARE Canada that seeks to apply market-based approaches to poverty reduction in the developing world."

Basically, he helps poor people, dedicating his life to those who are less fortunate. I, on the other hand... I shop at Costco and tend to overeat. We live very different lives.

But what I find most interesting about Mr. Jiwa is his work as the co-founder and director of Honey Care Africa. You're not going to believe this, but Honey Care Africa is a "private sector social enterprise promoting sustainable community-based beekeeping in eastern Africa."

Beekeeping! Totally amazing! And might I add... eff that!

You see, it reminds me of a rather painful first date I had about a year ago. I forget the name of the awful online matchmaking site on which I met this girl, but, being that we both lived in the same general area, we ended up meeting and going for a walk to the Jimmy Carter Center in Atlanta. Because nothing says love like a presidential library.

Now, before you start judging me for having a first date at the Jimmy Carter Center - and, trust me, there are plenty of other things by which to judge me - understand that it was a nice day and we thought it would be fun to take my dog, Mikey, on a walk so he could go swimming in the library's lake.

This, mind you, is against the rules, but I've never really been good at compliance. Hell, I'll admit it - I cheated my way through high school math, and can teach you a number of different ways to conceal test answers inside a TI calculator.

Anyway, we go to the lake, Mikey has a swim, and everything is going well. Nice girl. Cute. Limited criminal record. Then, Mikey decided to go wandering around. Which is fine - he doesn't tend to go far. Suddenly, he emerges from a bush covered in yellow - I thought it was pretty flowers.

But, no. It was bees. Wasps, actually. And as poor Mikey pawed at his face, date-girl and I sprang into action, swatting away the bees before finally pushing him into the lake. In the process, I was stung several times. She wasn't. Slut.

Fearing for my dog's health, I decided it was time to end the date and go home so I could call the vet and care for Mikey. However, adding insult to injury, as we started back toward the main road, I felt new stings on my body - there were wasps inside my shirt! This, of course, resulted in me stripping down and flailing around like Chris Farley in Tommy Boy... which had to have been attractive.

I think between the two of us, Mikey and I had something close to twenty stings. Thankfully, though, we were both OK. That said, I never saw the girl again.

Probably for the best. Slut.

And that brings us back to Farouk Jiwa's beekeeping initiative... which I now disdain.

Really, though, he seems like a good guy who deserves all the awards and recognition he has earned for being a decent citizen of the planet. Farouk even holds a bunch of fancy degrees from prestigious universities - degrees for which I'm sure he didn't have to cheat with a TI calculator.

Like I said... we live very different lives.

[wikipedia article] [photo 1] [photo 2] [photo 3] [photo 4] [home]

Prorva

2010-07-22T08:00:00.035-04:00

Right now, without cheating, find a world map and identify Azerbaijan. I bet you can't do it. (However, I can now say that it's not in Alabama. I checked.)

Next, try to locate the small Azerbaijani village of Prorva. You won't. Because it's damn near impossible to spot - kind of like searching for your lost contact lens on a Google satellite image. "Nobody move!"

Yet, somehow, this spec of civilization has its own Wikipedia entry. The entire thing reads: Prorva is a village in the Neftchala Rayon of Azerbaijan.

That's it. Hardly worth it. They might as well give my master bedroom its own entry. It could read: Jarrett's Master Bedroom is a sad, lonely place located in Atlanta. It smells like dried tears and farts.

One thing that Prorva does have going for it is location. (Spoiler Alert!) It's located on Azerbaijan's southern coast, right along the Caspian Sea. And you know what that means... banana hammocks!

So, at this point, because most of the readers of this blog are Americans, and most Americans couldn't locate their kitchen on a map of their house, we might as well turn this into a proper geography lesson.

Azerbaijan, resting just above the northwest tip of Iran, is bordered on the west by Armenia and Georgia, and by Russia to the north. As I already mentioned, its eastern border is the Caspian Sea. Though you may have instantly blocked this out due to the haunting mental image of Speedos.

But here's what really makes this fun little country so unique. To get to its southwestern most region, Nakhchivan, you literally have to cross through another country. Geographically, this type of region is known as an exclave, and is defined as "a territory legally attached to another territory with which it is not physically contiguous."

Basically, think Alaska. The difference is if you don't want to fly or cut through Canada, you can also travel by sea and not have to bust out your passport. I mean, who wants to cut through Canada? Their beer sucks.

Anyway, that's about all for the tiny Azerbaijani village of Prorva. I'm sure it's a lovely place to hang out and the people are the salt of the earth. So, maybe take an alternative vacation and spend some time relaxing near the Caspian Sea.

Although, you do know what that means. Banana hammocks.

[wikipedia article] [photo 1] [photo 2] [photo 3] [photo 4] [home]

1968 Japan Soccer League

2010-07-21T08:00:00.020-04:00

It was literally four posts ago that I wrote about Japanese soccer, when on July 15th our random article focused on the 2005 Emperor's Cup.

Amazingly, today we head back to the Land of the Rising Sun as the Wiki gods test my ability to further pontificate on, basically, the same subject. I believe I will lose this battle. Terribly.

However, slightly helping my situation, whereas four posts ago we looked deeply into one particular cup competition, today we embrace the entire season of 1968!

Note my fake enthusiasm. I promise you this won't be exciting.

But, alas, it was in 1968 that Toyo Kogyo earned 21 points from 14 matches, winning the league. Forty-two years later, the club is now called Sanfrecce Hiroshima, and remains a legitimate contender for the J. League Division I title.

And that's that.

Perhaps, then, it might be more fun to examine the team that finished dead last in 1968 - Nippon Kokan. Today, the club is better known as NKK F.C.. It's also known as a team that no longer exists.

Interestingly, when I did a Google image search for their crest, typing in the words Nippon Kokan Crest, I was provided with these... displays of modern furniture.

This one seems the most dangerous, and therefore I like it.

It's not surprising that the club no longer exists. In 1968 they not only finished dead last, but also failed to win a single match. They were like the 2008 Detroit Lions, except, you know... Asian.

NKK F.C. officially dissolved in 1994, coincidentally the same year that Sanfrecce Hiroshima (Toyo Kogyo of 1968) once again lifted the J. League trophy. It was as if the champions noticed the footballing spirit of poor NKK F.C. lying hurt on the ground, and then went and had sex with its mom. Twice.

By the way, kids, that was a literary device known as personification. If used properly, you can metaphorically make all sorts of inanimate objects have special relations!

Interestingly, when I did a Google image search, typing in the words Chairs Having Sex, I was provided with these... displays of modern furniture.

[wikipedia article] [photo 1] [photo 2] [photo 3] [photo 4] [home]

Rusty Nails (filmmaker)

2010-07-20T10:30:00.016-04:00

I like today's random article.

It almost seems useful in a completely useless way, providing just a little nugget of knowledge that I can reasonably expect to someday bust out at trivia night or, should the occasion arise, within the company of hipsters.

Silly hipsters and their goofy interests.

Until this morning I had never heard of Rusty Nails... the film maker. Rusty Nails the tetanus maker I was already painfully well aware of. Same with Rusty Nails the flat tire maker.

But this Rusty Nails - Rusty Osgood by birth - is best known for his film, Acne, "a black-and-white horror film about a pair of teenagers who wake up to find themselves mutated into horribly strange creatures."

Among his other noteworthy titles - if we can call them that - Rusty Nails has also provided the world with such classics as Santiago vs. Wigface, Animated Corpse, and Blood Drinkers.

OK, so they're not blockbusters.

But if you often find yourself listening to Radiohead on your iPod while donning a giant scarf and those ridiculous skinny jeans, there's a pretty decent chance that you've seen these films. There's also a pretty decent chance that you ride a single-speed bike and smoke American Spirit cigarettes.

I'm not judging. I'm just pointing out the obvious. So relax. I'm sure there's a Starbucks within peddling distance.

Now, there's actually another Rusty Nails whom I'm guessing is slightly more a household name. That would be Rusty Nails the semi-famous clown/serial rapist.

Actually, I made up the part about him being a serial rapist. He's not. I just immediately assume all clowns are up to something. (You, too, Bozo.)

From 1957 to 1972, Rusty Nails hosted various children's television shows in Portland, Oregon, and originally went by the name Rusty the Clown.

Sound familiar? Add a K to the beginning of that. And what do you get?

Hey! Hey! It's Krusty the Clown. Also known as Herschel Shmoikel Pinchas Yerucham Krustofsky. That was for you super fans (ahem, Nate Slater).

It's no coincidence. Simpsons creator, Matt Groening, grew up in Portland and loosely based Krusty on Rusty.

And, once again, we've proven that The Simpsons can be related to literally anything! (Seriously, try it.)

What... are you too cool for The Simpsons?

Silly hipster.

[wikipedia article] [photo 1] [photo 2] [photo 3] [photo 4] [home]

Helicophanta

2010-07-19T08:00:00.025-04:00

If it's Monday it must be snails.

Yes, today's random article is all about the slimy, yet irresistibly cute, helicophanta - "a genus of air-breathing land snails, a terrestrial pulmonate gastropods mollusks in the family Acavidae."

Now, the first thing I immediately took away from this entry's one and only rather complex sentence was the word air-breathing, for I guess I just sort of assumed that all snails breathed air. Which is pretty stupid of me because, clearly, there are lots of snails living in the world's oceans and lakes and, somehow, they've all managed not to drown.

Maybe they're just really REALLY good at holding their breath.

Snails, in general, are sort of cool creatures. I don't know why. I just like them.

And it should be noted that the word snail, itself, is just the common name for most "molluscan class Gastropoda that have coiled shells in the adult stage."

Snail-like creatures that aren't resourceful enough to own a shell are called slugs, and they deserve to be treated as outcasts. Sorry, slugs... but if you can't get off your lazy bellies to find a home, you might as well just hang out with all the other slugs in my neighborhood who live under the bridge and leave their garbage in my front yard. And, no, you can't have a dollar!

Damn. That was mean. I thought I was better than that.

Whatever. Slugs aren't even slightly cute. They're just... turd-ish.

The truth is, in the world of Gastropoda, the fine line between respectability and just being an enlarged snot with antennas is the shell. It changes everything, and it goes for all animals.

Example: Turtles are way cool. Why? Because of the shell. Admit it. There's just something fun about a creature that carries its home on its back. They're nature's RV community.

That said, slugs would want us to know that they are apparently more maneuverable and compressible, and are, therefore, able to squeeze into tight places a snail would not be able to manage.

But, really... who cares? I'd still rather be a snail.

Slug: "Look, John! I'm going to squish myself under this rock for the night!"
Snail: "Great, Dave. Have fun with that. I'm just going to curl up in my own personal shell!"
Slug: "Bite me, John."

So, anyway, that's your snail talk for the day. Not the most exciting topic, but I think we made it through OK. Hell, I actually enjoyed learning about these gooey little bastards.

I don't know why. I just like them.

[wikipedia article] [photo 1] [photo 2] [photo 3] [photo 4] [home]

Thomas Cook House (Somerville, Massachusetts)

2010-07-16T08:00:00.036-04:00

So, apparently there's a house in Somerville, Massachusetts where, presumably, there once lived a man named Thomas Cook.

I say this because the National Register of Historic Places has such a house in its listing called Thomas Cook House, and, despite being a complete moron, I somehow still have the ability to put two and two together. Barely.

Plus it has its own wiki. So it must be true.

All other online research, however, fails to turn up anything that reveals who Thomas Cook was, and why this house is even remotely important other than for the fact that it's old.

This is known as the Betty White factor.

The lack of information is actually sort of a bummer, for I was personally hoping to learn that it was once, perhaps, a house of ill repute, and that Thomas Cook was some sort of irritable, late 19th century pimp.

"Of course she's fat! It's 1863!"

Alas, all the wiki tells us is that the house was built in 1850 and that it rests at 21 College Hill Road.

That's it.

But, since I'm so dedicated to this project, I consulted Google Maps to maybe get a better view of the actual physical house. Unfortunately, however, the building in the wiki photo does not seem to share any likeness to what you see once you get down to Google's street view.

That being said, I did find these people...

I wonder if they know they're living next to an old whore house.

Now, further research into today's random article later revealed that there actually exists another Thomas Cook House! Only this one appears to have been taken over by the sisters of the Marquette University chapter of Sigma Kappa.

Though their official website makes no mention of the fact that they actually live in the Thomas Cook House - which was added to the National Register of Historic Places in 1989 - the girls do make a point to say: We regularly use our house to hold sisterhood events, along with sleepovers...

Giggidy.

I also noticed that the Sigma Kappa sorority house is about a half block away from the Delta Chi fraternity house - that happens to be my old affiliation from when I was a student at American University in Washington, DC.

We used to break things and throw up a lot.

So, knowing what I know, I just want to send a strongly worded message to the boys at Marquette: Behave yourselves, gentlemen. These Sigma Kappas seem like nice girls. I should know. I spent seven-and-a-half hours looking at their website while listening to Enya by candlelight.

Things are weird at home.

The point is - show them respect. Be neighborly. And try not to break anything. It's a historic place for crying out loud, and you don't want to piss them off!

Apparently, they throw sleepovers.

[wikipedia article] [photo 1] [photo 2] [photo 3] [home]

2005 Emperor's Cup

2010-07-15T08:00:00.027-04:00

Every year, professional soccer clubs in Japan participate in their country's largest national tournament, The Emperor's Cup.

In it, they literally compete for Senator Palpatine's coffee mug. It's a strange competition.

For most of my American readers - both of you - the idea of a yearly national domestic cup competition is sort of a strange concept, for in Major League Baseball, as an example, teams simply compete for the playoffs and a chance to win the World Series (which, let's face it, has nothing to do with the world).

The same goes for NBA basketball, NFL football, and NHL hockey. Teams compete for just one big trophy at the end of the season.

Unless, of course, you're the Chicago Cubs. In which case you compete for the sole purpose of slowly killing your most die-hard fans.

However, soccer clubs around the world (and even here in the United States) compete for more than just that one trophy to be given out at the end of the season. Instead, they also have various cup competitions, such as the Emperor's Cup in Japan.

Generally speaking, these annual tournaments are held concurrently with the leagues' regular seasons and are open to just about any professional (and sometimes amateur) club in the country.

So, going back to baseball and pretending it had this sort of tournament, you might see, for example, the MLB New York Yankees playing the AAA Albuquerque Isotopes at some point in the competition. Which, if you could get past the fact that it's baseball, might be exhilerating.

Granted, it would also be a total bloodbath. But that's sort of how these domestic tournaments play out - smaller teams get a chance to take on the bigger ones. Only, in soccer, the matches tend not to be bloodbaths, as these less prominent clubs sometimes forge ahead by virtue of the magic of the cup.

However, rarely do they actually win the damn thing. So Cubs fans might be interested in this.

Anyway, that's a brief explanation of domestic cup competitions... which brings us back to the 2005 Emperor's Cup in Japan, a tournament won by Urawa Red Diamonds who defeated Shimizu S-Pulse two goals to one.

In the cup's 89-year history, Urawa Red Diamonds have actually won the trophy six times and have been runners up an additional three times, making them one of the most successful clubs in in the country. Especially since this particular competition boasts that it determines the "best football team in Japan."

Though claiming Urawa by name, the Red Diamonds actually play their home matches in the city of Saitama, and, for a short time, shared their beautiful stadium with another club called Omiya Ardija.

Now, if I lived in the Saitama area, I think I would have to be a supporter of Omiya Ardija rather than Red Diamonds. I don't have a really good reason other than I like the squirrel on their crest.

I'm a simple man. I like cute, woodland creatures.

Omiya Ardija is also more of the city's underdog team, and, as a loyal supporter of the English side Tottenham Hotspur, this is something I've grown rather comfortable with.

These days, I tend not to cry myself to sleep as often as I used to, and I've come to enjoy the warm embrace of crushed dreams and shattered hope.

So, again, Cubs fans might be interested in this.

[Special Note: If you are just getting into soccer due to the recent World Cup or, for some strange reason, by today's Random Article, be sure to check out THE best source for soccer knowledge in America: World Football Daily.]

[Today's completely unrelated trending words: Mel Gibson - UFO Over Chinese Airport - Tea Party - NAACP - iPhone 4]

[wikipedia article] [photo 1] [photo 2] [photo 3] [photo 4] [home]

Anarchy (Chumbawamba album)

2010-07-14T10:00:00.034-04:00

Holy crap. This album cover is so unnecessary.

Even worse than the cover... my first post-vacation entry has to be about Chumbawamba. C'mon, Wikipedia Gods! I don't deserve this!

I mean, I love music! In fact, I just got back from All Good Festival in West Virginia where my friends and I camped out for three nights, happily wallowing in our own filth, and hiking immeasurable steamy lengths to and from the concert bowl. But at least we got to see some amazing bands.

And Chumbawamba was not one of them.

This, primarily because the only thing amazing about them is the fact that people actually liked their music for a very brief moment in time before either coming to their senses or jumping off a bridge. Probably, in most cases, the former followed immediately by the latter.

"I can't believe I liked Tubthumping. Goodbye cruel world."

[Cue: Groundthumping]

However, it should be noted that their one big hit - the only one that I can think of - wasn't on this particular album, Anarchy, where, as the wiki says, "many of the tracks address specific social problems, such as homophobia, strikes or fascism."

Of course, nobody really learned about these issues because the album cover shows A BABY'S HEAD EMERGING FROM A VAGINA!!!!!!!!!!

It was a true stroke of genius - the album was banned from many shops and others stocked it in plain sleeves. Naturally, this must've been great for sales. I think the marketing conversation went something like this:

Idiot 1: "Hey, how can we make it so nobody finds our album?"
Idiot 2: "Huge vagina."
Idiot 1: "Yes. That is what we will do."

Thus, it would be two years later that people in America would actually learn about Chumbawamba as college airwaves were polluted by the unfortunately-famous lyrics:

I get knocked down but I get up again!
You're never gonna keep me down!

However, the song's best lines are:

He drinks a whiskey drink. He drinks a vodka drink.
He drinks a lager drink. He drinks a cider drink.
He sings the songs that remind him of the good times.
He sings the songs that remind him of the good times.

But, just to be clear, these are only the best lines because Homer Simpson re-worked them in a moment of drunkenness:

I take a whiskey drink. I take a chocolate drink.
And when I have to pee, I use the kitchen sink.
I sing the song that reminds me I'm a urinating guy!

Classic Homer!

Believe it or not, back in college I actually saw Tubthumping performed live in November 1998. It was at Hampton Coliseum in Hampton, Virginia. But it wasn't Chumbawamba. It was Phish. And their version of the song was immortalized as the final track on the live album Hampton Comes Alive.

Throughout the performance the band can be heard laughing, obviously realizing that this song really needs to be taken out into the backyard and shot.

Or maybe just pushed off a bridge.

[Cue: Groundthumping]

[wikipedia article] [photo link] [photo link 2] [home]

All Good Festival 2010

2010-07-08T07:00:00.006-04:00

Off to Marvin's Mountaintop!
The Random returns on July 14th!

[All Good Festival 2007]

Lebiedziew

2010-07-07T07:00:00.030-04:00

On Google Maps, I literally had to zoom in four times to finally reveal this tiny village in eastern Poland.

Generally speaking, if I can't locate something within one zoom, I have to naturally assume that it's too small to have a decent Dairy Queen, and thus I move on.

And, here, after further zooming, the most notable thing I can report is that, amazingly, Lebiedziew is located only about two miles from a small cloud.

At least at the time of the photo. It's probably gone now.

Unfortunately, after reading through the wiki and scouring the web, there doesn't seem to be anything else overly interesting about this village (or this cloud), other than the fact that they're both close to the border with Belarus. And since that's not even all that interesting, I'm going to have to fill the rest of this entry with travel notes from when I was in Poland in 2003.

If it helps you stay at least mildly interested, I suppose I should tell you that this will involve a male porn actor.

Really? That's all it took? Y'all are easy.

OK, see if you can guess which one gets paid to have sex:

If you guessed the older dude in the beige mock turtle neck, you win!

That's Edwin, the Dutch porn actor who hit on every woman he saw. I'm on the left, Italian Guy is in between me and Humpy McSexerton, and French Kid is on the far right.

We all met in our hostel in Krakow sometime in November 2003 and decided to go out and see what the Polish night life had in store for us. For Edwin, it was a lot of talking about his work, which was both fascinating and gross. However, more fascinating than gross.

He seemed like a hard worker. No pun intended.

That evening, after a dinner of perogies, we hit up a bar in the main square of Krakow - a city that ranked among my very favorite in all of Europe.

While Edwin told random people his lavish stories of on-screen woopie, and while Italian Guy and French Kid did whatever it was that Italian Guys and French Kids do in a bar in Poland, me and the Aussie dude, who was also in our group, met a local man named Tall Paul, pictured on the far left.

Tall Paul was beyond pleased to have met some foreigners in his beloved country, and showed us his gratitude by insisting, "Tonight, Tall Paul buys the drinks! You are in my country! And in my country, Tall Paul buys the drinks! When I come to your country - you buy the drinks! But tonight, Tall Paul buys the drinks!"

Tall Paul was rather adamant about buying the drinks.

And so it came to be that we had no less than fifteen shots of some strange glowing blue liquor. After a few toasts, Tall Paul instructed Aussie and I to march around the bar and offer the rest up to the "beautiful Polish women."

All of whom appeared to be latched onto Italian Guy. Which made them easy to find.

The next day I was speaking with the American owner of the hostel and her Polish husband. They explained that Tall Paul was a typical Polish male, and that buying drinks was his way of proving his masculinity and machoism.

I don't know if that's how they roll in Lebiedziew, but perhaps that's reason enough for some of you to travel off to Poland to find out.

Really? That's all it took? Y'all are easy.

[wikipedia article] [photo link] [home]

South Greeley, Wyoming

2010-07-06T07:00:00.002-04:00

South Greeley isn't a city. It's not a county. It's not a town. Hell, it isn't even an area.

Amazingly, I have rugs with more prestige.

No, according to the federal government, South Greeley is only but a place. Specifically, it's a census-designated place (CDP) in Laramie County. And according to Wikipedia, a place is simply a concentration of population.

Thus, my cubicle at work is a place. It's not a very well-lit place. But it's a place. At least between the hours of 10am and 6pm. After that it becomes a thing. However, not a very well-lit thing.

According to wiki research, CDPs, such as South Greeley, are "delineated for each decennial census as the statistical counterparts of incorporated places such as cities, towns and villages. CDPs are populated areas that lack separate municipal government, but which otherwise physically resemble incorporated places."

Basically, they're the technical, government way of glancing into the distance and saying, "It's over yonder."

In 2000, South Greeley - the place - only had a so-called concentration of population of 4,201. And Cheyenne, the Laramie County seat and Wyoming state capitol, was called home by just over 53,000 people. The point is, in terms of total people, South Greeley is a very small place in a very small county in a very small state.

But I bet they drive very large trucks.

Further research on South Greeley reveals that "according to the United States Census Bureau, the CDP has a total area of 1.7 square miles (4.4 km²), all of it land."

Which is nice. It means you can jog from one end to the other and barely break a sweat. I guess it also means you don't risk falling into a lake. Does anyone else have this problem?

Fortunately, if you do happen to magically find a lake in which to fall, you'll be saved by the good public servants of Laramie County - especially the sheriff, Danny Glick!

Now that's a moustache you can trust!

Seriously, I've never seen such a fun-looking group of elected officials as those in Laramie County. A quick glance at their website reveals Marty the bald-headed coroner, super-smiley county commissioner Jeff Ketcham, and the happy hair explosion of district court clerk Gerrie E. Bishop.

I love these people!

And having now seen them, I'm certain they drive very large trucks. At least Gerrie does.

You know... for the hair.

[wikipedia article] [photo link] [photo link 2] [photo link 3] [home]

Maria Anna Thekla Mozart

2010-07-02T18:56:00.000-04:00

Seriously? Mozart's cousin has her own wiki page, but my dog doesn't?

Not that Mikey's done anything super noteworthy (besides once licking his crotch for a straight continuous hour)... but neither did she!

In fact, the only reason Marianne (as she was called) is even slightly interesting in the books of history is because her pervert cousin Wolfgang wanted to have weird, kinky sex with her. Like, seriously weird, kinky sex. Seriously.

Mikey, on the other hand, has a proper non-cousin girlfriend named Saylor. So we're safe from that kind of nonsense. Besides, Mikey doesn't even have balls.

Sorry, bud.

Though the wiki doesn't specifically mention whether or not Wolfgang and Marianne ever achieved crescendo, it is widely believed that she may have passionately breathed the words, "Rock me, Amadeus!"

And if it wasn't bad enough that Mozart was keen to his cousin, he was also, as I noted, positively perverted about the whole thing. In fact, there exists ten preserved letters of correspondence from Wolfgang to Marianne called the Bäsle Letters (Little Cousin Letters). According to the wiki, the letters were "striking for their abundance of scatological and sexual humor."

Feces, people. Feces.

Musicologist, Maynard Solomon, translates one particular passage into rhymed English as shown below (the letter is dated December 23, 1778):

"Come for a bit or else I'll sh-t. If you do, this high and mighty person will think you very kind, will give you a smack behind, will kiss your hands, my dear, shoot off a gun in the rear, embrace you warmly, mind, and wash your front and behind, pay you all his debts to the uttermost groat, and shoot off one with a rousing note, perhaps even let something drop from his boat."

Nasty.

Despite their strange mutual attraction, the two never became an actual item, and this was about the only good news for Wolfgang's father, Leopold, who was completely creeped out by the whole thing.

"Son, we need to talk."

Marianne stayed single for her entire 82-year life. That's right. Eighty-two years and the best she could do on this planet was one illegitimate child. And she gets her own wiki.

Which brings me back to Mikey and his girlfriend, Saylor, who absolutely deserve their own entry for being the cutest doggy boyfriend and girlfriend on the planet.

They even go to Braves baseball games together. It's so cute it makes you want to vomit. Which Mikey promptly did in the fifth inning. It was kind of gross.

So if disgusting behavior is the prerequisite for having your own unearned wiki, I think Mikey's projectile vomit should count. And, for what it's worth, Saylor does eat her own poop.

I believe that qualifies as "scatological."

[wikipedia article] [photo link] [photo link 2] [home]

Wang Jianmin

2010-07-01T08:00:00.037-04:00

At first glance, this topic appeared to me as: Wang Jammin'.

I figured it was a wiki on some strange Asian/Jamaican hybrid porn film that I absolutely had to have! Disappointment followed.

Unfortunately, it's just the name of some Lieutenant General in the Chinese military. BUT, after some further research, I did find this other article online where there does, indeed, exist a man whose name is, honest to God, Wang Jamming! Toward the bottom it reads:

"There will be no shortage of fuel supply this year," said Wang Jamming, adviser of Sinopec. "It will be able to meet demand."

I'm not ashamed to admit that this has completely made my week!

Seriously. It really doesn't take all that much to keep me happy, and I like that.

But back to the Big Wang, Mr. Jianmin, for we learn that in June 1962 he joined the People's Liberation Army and in September 1963 he joined the Communist Party of China.

If I was at least mildly intelligent I'm sure all that would be super interesting to me. However, I've chosen, instead, to boil it down to this: He really liked to share, but also enjoyed blowing stuff up.

It seems we have a lot in common.

Over the years, and into the 21st century, he steadily rose in the ranks of various Chinese... things. But who knows. Theoretically, since I'm not at all familiar with the national importance of the different positions in which he held, he may have just been steadily demoted over time. Maybe Wang was an idiot.

So that was Wang Jianmin the Chinese military guy. However, there is also Wang Jianmin the Taiwanese Major League Baseball pitcher - though most people probably know him as: Chien-Ming Wang.

Apparently, in pinyin (phonetic sounding standard Mandarin), Wang Jianmin is the same as Chien-Ming. And, here, we're really getting into subject matter that's way over my head.

Nap time.

But the point is, there is a Wang Jianmin who used to pitch for the Yankees, and is now signed with the Washington Nationals. Which means, unless he changes his name to Steven Strasburg, nobody will ever give a crap.

So that's the story of two Wangs. Sorry that it wasn't very exciting. I'm sure Lindsay Lohan could tell you far better stories of two Wangs at once.

But, on a personal note, just being able to use the word Wang this many times has completely make my week!

[wikipedia article] [photo link] [photo link 2] [photo link 3] [home]

Ngongonding Forest Park

2010-06-30T07:30:00.034-04:00

Maybe it's just me, but I have a difficult time pronouncing any single word that contains a combination of seven Ns and Gs. It sort of makes me feel like I'm choking on my own vomit.

"Ngoglog nglog ngoglog!"

Coincidentally, these were the last words of Jimi Hendrix. Sad.

I would have to guess, though, that Ngongonding is probably the only word that even has seven Ns and Gs. In fact, I'll personally mail a five dollar bill to the first reader who can comment on this post with another word that proves to be its equal or better.

That being said, we now move on to today's random article: Ngongonding Forest Park. Unfortunately, however, the entire wiki entry consists only of an explanation that it's "a Forest Park in The Gambia. It covers 1,250 hectares."

Nice effort, people.

So, first, for the sake of us Americans, let's unravel the great mystery of hectares, which are equal to 2.47 acres. We can calculate, then, that this park is roughly 3,089 acres. And since I can't even begin to picture 3,089 acres, let's just agree that it's bigger than a bread box.

And for that the giraffes are quite thankful.

So, at this point, we might as well learn a little bit about The Gambia. Officially: The Republic of The Gambia. Commonly: Gambia. In Pig Latin: Ambiagay

Gambia (henceforth) is actually the smallest country on mainland Africa. Almost completely engulfed by Senegal, one end rests along the coast of the Atlantic Ocean. It's shaped like a badly deformed, yet impressively veiny, penis.

A former UK colony, the 1.7 million people of Gambia speak English. Islam is the predominant religion. Their favorite board game is SCRABBLE... only, in their version, there are two-thousand tiles for N and G.

And despite it being an agriculturally rich nation, with an economy based on farming, fishing, and tourism, a third of the population lives below the international poverty line... which is literally just a long, straight stretch of duct tape.

What a waste of duct tape. So many better uses.

But tourism brings us right back to Jimi-Hendrix-Choking-On-His-Own-Vomit Forest Park.

Surprisingly, even outside of Wikipedia, there is very little online information about this particular nature reserve. I'm actually starting to question its existence.

So, you'll just have to travel to Gambia and find it on your own. The country is said to be more or less safe, amazingly scenic, and wonderfully friendly.

But don't play the locals in SCRABBLE. They win every time.

[wikipedia article] [photo link] [photo link 2] [ photo link 3 ] [home]

1952 Memorial Cup

2010-06-29T08:00:00.024-04:00

I used to be a massive hockey fan back in high school, and even taught myself how to skate so that I might one day play actual hockey... which I did. In college. And it hurt. A lot.

Club sports at American University didn't come with a disclaimer that larger men might salivate uncontrollably at the opportunity to check a short Jewish kid into the boards because he thinks playing hockey might be fun!

I was quite literally the chosen one.

It was a strange, eye-opening experience to match up against real hockey players, some of whom, under the right circumstances, were skilled enough to have maybe competed for the Memorial Cup - a "junior ice hockey club championship trophy awarded annually to the Canadian Hockey League (CHL) champion."

The Memorial Cup was established in 1919, just twenty-six years after the 1893 presentation of the world-famous Stanley Cup, and fifty-two years before the 1971 creation of Cup O' Noodles. Coincidentally - my very favorite of all the cups. Mmmmm... dehydrated noodles.

However, keeping to the subject matter at hand, it was in 1952 that the "Guelph Biltmore Mad Hatters of the Ontario Hockey Association in Eastern Canada competed against the Abbott Cup champions Regina Pats of the Saskatchewan Junior Hockey League in Western Canada."

In the end it was sort of a non-contest, as Guelph beat Regina in four straight games to win the tournament. The average score differential was 5.5 goals which, in hockey, signifies a complete blowout - thus making it a rather uninteresting year for the Memorial Cup.

But what WAS an interesting year for the Memorial Cup was 2008 when, immediately after winning it all, Spokane Chiefs captain Chris Bruton broke the damn trophy. The folly became a YouTube sensation.

So, now that you know a little about the 1952 Memorial Cup, allow me, then, to share a few final thoughts on ice hockey as a whole, especially as it relates to the NHL.

Specifically, I want to suggest three ways to make the game more appealing to both a mass market and even hard core fans.

1) No more TV time outs during the periods. Football and basketball have these, and they're annoying - a completely random stop in play so I can watch another Bud Lite ad that was written for the moronic amusement of the lowest common denominator. Which is me. But I still don't like them. Hockey could really stand out if it took a page from soccer, powering through the game without interruption. Hell, I don't even mind a split-screen during minor breaks in the action to show commercials. They did it this way in the Olympics, and it was fantastic! Plus, in this age of DVR, people might actually WATCH THE ADS!

2) Balance the schedule. Again taking a page from soccer, I think each team should simply play every other team once at home and once on the road. Three points for a win. One point for a tie. The team with the most points at the end of the season wins the Presidents' Trophy, and the top sixteen teams all qualify for the Stanley Cup Playoffs. No more conferences. No more divisions. Just a truly balanced schedule. It would also do wonders for my obsessive compulsive disorder. Things have to be balanced or I go insane... er.

And finally...

3) Shorten the damn season. Number two actually takes care of this, bringing each team's current 82-game schedule down to 58. Hark! More time to rest ailing stars. More importance attributed to each single game. More affordable season ticket packages to fill the arenas. Less travel. I admit, however, that I suck at math and the decrease of games might actually make the league go bankrupt. But that's why I blog and other people make real decisions that matter.

So, that's my take. And if these ideas don't completely energize the National Hockey League... well, then break the damn trophy.

Apparently people like that.

[wikipedia article] [photo link] [photo link 2] [photo link 3] [home]

Bakerhill, Alabama

2010-06-28T08:00:00.042-04:00

For about five minutes, I actually considered the idea of putting my dog in the car and driving six hours, roundtrip, to Bakerhill, Alabama to fully emerge myself in today's subject matter.

It was a brief moment of madness, eventually overcome by rational thought and the realization that, for crying out loud, I'm not purposefully driving to middle-of-nowhere Alabama. Not even if they promised beef jerky trees.

(OK, maybe if they promised beef jerky trees.)

The fact is, Bakerhill, Alabama - a town apparently too small to justify splitting the words Baker and Hill - is called home by just over 300 people, all of whom, presumably, somehow manage to live in the two-dozen-or-so structures visible on Google maps.

My analysis: There's a lot of bed-sharing going on. Maybe I should pay them a visit.

I mean... it sounds at least mildly scenic. According the wiki, the surrounding countryside is covered in pine forest where they perform small-scale logging, thus accounting for at least some of the local industry. There's also a mention of "minor livestock raising activities," which makes me wonder just what the hell else they're doing to the cattle besides, you know, raising them.

The word activities makes me nervous.

Beyond that, it doesn't sound like there's much more else going on in town. And, really, I'm quite relieved to hear that.

However, it's not fair to simply paint the town as a red clay wasteland full of bed-sharers and cow violators. (Though I do like the way that sounds. Perhaps a new motto?)

The reality is that Bakerhill is just a simple, quiet community only a mere fourteen miles from the scenic lakeside city of Eufaula - hometown of Stevie Wonder's mom.

See? More useless knowledge. I love you, Wikipedia.

Besides the virtue of nestling up against Walter F. George Lake, Eufaula actually enjoyed great prosperity in the 1800's due to the fertile soil, a new federal road, and lots of other things rich white people liked at the time. Like smallpox.

You can still enjoy all that wealth today, for "its many impressive antebellum homes and businesses attest to the wealth and culture of the period."

But if wealth and prosperity and amazing homes aren't your thing, feel free to just drive back down the road to Bakerhill where you can freely cover yourself in red clay, share a bed with strangers, and do all sorts of other kinky things.

Especially if you're into minor livestock raising activities.

[wikipedia article] [photo link] [photo link 2] [ photo link 3 ] [home]

My Oh My (Chantay Savage song)

2010-06-25T08:09:00.023-04:00

Because I am so dedicated to this project - really diving headfirst into each day's topic - I just spent a whole ninety-nine cents on iTunes for this song. Yes, that would be ninety-nine cents I can never have back.

In fact, it's the worst use of my money on iTunes since I purchased Mike Oldfield's Tubular Bells.

In case you were wondering, Tubular Bells was the first album ever released by Virgin Records, and consists of two twenty-five minute parts that can loosely be defined as pointless noise and other annoying sounds.

So, if that's your thing, you'll love Tubular Bells!

But back to My Oh My... because My Oh My does it suck.

Released as a single off Savage's 1999 R&B album This Time, the lyrics express a woman's immense joy from being in a relationship with a certain man. She is so overwhelmed by these feelings, that all she can really muster are a series of Ooohs and Mmmms and Yeeeeahs. And, of course, My Oh My.

At first I thought she was having a seizure.

However, there are some actual lyrics. But they're sappy school-girl stuff. In fact, I liked the song better when I thought it was a medical emergency.

Everybody's talking 'bout some kind of change
Say they see a different girl when they look at me
I can't deny what they say is true

The only saving grace on this five-minute disaster was an out-of-nowhere xylophone solo at the end. Seriously. One of my favorite bands, moe., uses a xylophone and I actually think it's a rather cool, unique sounding instrument.

But I digress, because now we have to ask... just who is Chantay Savage?

Actually, I'm fairly certain we don't have to ask that. But I'll tell you, anyway, that Chantay Savage is a Chicago-based R&B singer who enjoyed moderate success in the 1990s.

Chumbawamba also enjoyed moderate success in the 1990s, so, you know, it is what it is.

In 1996, Savage found her greatest success with a remake of I Will Survive in cooperation with Gloria Gaynor. Apparently, though, her career failed to survive, as the wiki bio pretty much ends in 1999. The same year that My Oh My came out.

Coincidence? Nah. Probably just a medical emergency.

[wikipedia article] [photo link] [photo link 2] [ photo link 3 ] [home]

1999 World Championships in Athletics – Women's 1500 metres

2010-06-24T08:26:00.034-04:00

Every four years people around the world justifiably become very excited and, amazingly, even complete experts in track and field athletics. We simply hear one note of the Olympic anthem and suddenly start saying things like, "I'm telling you, Andreas Thorkildsen is absolutely the man to beat in the javelin throw. Trust me."

[Thank you, Bob Costas.]

But that's perfectly OK. It's fun to get really involved in things we don't fully understand. Unless, of course, that thing you don't fully understand is defusing bombs or performing colonoscopies. And heaven forbid you try both at the same time.

"Uh, woops."

But today's focus is on the women's 1500 meters during the 1999 World Championships in Sevilla, Spain. It's not the Olympics, but in the ways of running, jumping, and throwing things it's pretty much the same. In fact, the IAAF World Championships in Athletics are held biennially, one always landing the year before the Olympic Summer Games.

In the women's 1500 meters (also known as the women's 4921.259 feet), top racers sprint for just under a mile. Which is about all I'm able to do before passing out. Thankfully I have to stop every twenty feet to pick up Mikey's crap.

In 1999, the winner of this event - the 1500 meters, not the Mikey Poop-Scoop 500 - was a 31-year-old Russian named Svetlana Masterkova. Three years earlier she won the same event at the 1996 Olympics in Atlanta.

The runner-up in 1999 was an American named Regina Jacobs who, in 2003, tested positive for performance enhancing drugs... which means she now has a penis.

Actually, I can't back that one up. I'm not a doctor. But I think that's how it works.

After retiring from track and field, Jacobs became a real estate agent in Oakland, California and had the balls (see, I'm keeping to my penis theory) to promote her new career by stating, "I am regarded as one of the finest middle-distance runners ever to grace American soil, setting records to age forty. The reason for a long outstanding career was not luck (but) out of this world talent".

However, according to the wiki, she never mentioned her drug suspension, and "after an outcry in the athletics community Jacobs eventually deleted the quote from her website."

I believe it was replaced with, "I have a penis. Would you like to buy a house?"

[wikipedia article] [photo link] [photo link 2] [home]

Långsjön

2010-06-23T08:02:00.023-04:00

I'm a huge geography nerd, so I was rather excited about discovering that today's random article was about a lake in Stockholm, Sweden.

Excited partly because of my aforementioned love for all things geography, but mostly because I knew my attention-deficit-disorder brain would eventually switch from searching for photos of the lake to searching for photos of beautiful Swedish girls.

Which it did. And then, feeling quite alone, I spoke to them.

"Any of you ladies into short Jewish guys? No? Ok, then."

But back to the lake...

In Swedish, Långsjön translates to Long Lake, which is both uncreative and somewhat inaccurate - a quick search of Google maps reveals that the lake, while narrow, really isn't all that long. In fact, the topography of Stockholm reveals LOTS of lakes, many of which being much longer, making the entire city look like the hardest Par-5 on the entire planet.

On the plus side, Långsjön does sort of resemble a dragon flying up and to the left as though it's on a mission to drop a fiery poop on Norway. Can you see it?

And speaking of poop... sadly, that is exactly what this lake is, perhaps, best known for. Poop.

According to the wiki, at the end of the 1930s "sewers were built in the area and the waste water fed into the lake."

Normally we don't think of picture-perfect Sweden and nasty fecal pollution at the same time, but, alas, they were just as confused as to what to do with all that stuff as the rest of us.

In fact, despite modern plumbing, some things actually haven't changed, for, apparently, "old sewers still leak into the lake and the water was considered unfit for bathing at several occasions during the 1990s."

So, in a sense, swimming in Långsjön was once just like visiting the Jersey Shore on a good day. Except with these...

And not these...

The horror. The horror.

Another fun fact about Långsjön is that it's actually a huge breeding ground for amphibians. And why not? It's a beautiful piece of nature, perfect for making all those romantic frogs and toads happy and fulfilled.

Well, all of them except poor Schlomo Toadowitz. He struggled.

"Any of you ladies into short Jewish guys? No? Ok, then."

[wikipedia article] [photo link] [photo link 2] [photo link 3] [home]

Pretend You Don't See Her

2010-06-22T08:24:00.034-04:00

At about the fifty-two minute mark, there's a very subtle scene in the amazing movie Wonder Boys where Michael Douglas' character narrates the line, "James' story was the stuff of bad fiction..."

As he says this, faded in the background, you can see a Mary Higgins Clark paperback.

I don't think many other people picked up on that, but I always felt it was a brilliant hidden commentary on those cheesy beach reads that, despite being awful, somehow always end up atop the best seller lists.

When I think of Mary Higgins Clark, I think of that scene.

Pretend You Don't See Her is one of these such book written by Ms Clark, the Queen of Suspense. It's also sage advice for potentially running into a former girlfriend at a party or purposefully running over your wife in the driveway.

Of course, if you're a fan of these rapid-fire novels that may or may not have been written by a qualified team of monkeys, this is your kind of book and this is your kind of author.

I mean, seriously... since 1989, Clark has published at least one book every year. That's amazing!

I still haven't finished my Bar Mitzvah thank you notes.

Lord knows how she comes up with these plots, but his particular novel embarks when a real estate agent, Lacey Farrell, witnesses the murder of a client. Which really sucks for Lacey because it was going to be a HUGE commission.

I suppose the murder also sort of sucked for the client, Isabelle Waring.

However, just before breathing her final breath, Isabelle tells Lacey that she thinks her killer is the psychotic assassin, Curtis Caldwell, who is after her daughter's journal.

However, despite the tragedy, all Lacey can think about was whether or not the house can still be passed off as charming.

"And if you look in the den, you'll see a charming pool of dried blood next to the fire place."

Despite losing her rich client, our real estate agent extraordinaire ends up working with the police to find out who hired the psychotic assassin.

And just in case you weren't drawn in by the wiki plot summary - and I wasn't - somebody actually added: "It is an excellent work by Mary Higgins Clark."

To which I am now adding to my wiki the phrase 'Jarrett Bellini is hung like a mule.'

It's laughably untrue, but, apparently, objectivity doesn't matter.

Besides, it's charming...

[wikipedia article] [photo link] [home]

Council-controlled organisation

2010-06-21T07:43:00.028-04:00

Note: This photo really has nothing to do with the content of today's Random Article. However, the wiki is about New Zealand, so I thought I'd give a shout out to the All Whites for bringing it strong to those diving, cheating, over-rated pretty boys from Italy.

Seriously. I just reached back for my water bottle at my desk here in Atlanta and Fabio Cannavaro suddenly went down in a South African hotel room clutching his face.

You see, despite the fact that the Italian World Cup team has been professionally trained by Roberto Benigni, footy is something I still fully enjoy and understand... as opposed to the concept of council-controlled organizations which is currently giving me a mild seizure.

And I'm not even talking about the uber-technical wiki definition (which I'll spare you), but rather I'm just struggling over the fact that, apparently, in other countries, the word "organisations" can be spelled with an S and not a Z.

I mean... has the world gone mad?

Basically, council-controlled organisations are, in New Zealand, any company where a council of majority shareholders gets to run the show. I think, here in the United States, we simply call this a corporation. Though it's also possible - and likely - that I've completely just screwed up this definition.

That said, if you are using my column as a primary source for a school project, I applaud your laziness and assure you that your report can't possibly go wrong.

In fact, you might also want to note that almost all council-controlled organisations in New Zealand are mostly run by sheep.

Not mindless, pin-striped-suit yes-men... but literally sheep. Sheep that have been sexually abused by the human members of the council. It 's a fact that Kiwis love to have sex with farm animals.

Don't believe me? Call their embassy.

Leisure options are limited in New Zealand, so it's either that or play with Sir Edmund Hillary action figures.

(I suppose they could also enjoy their country's boundless natural beauty by exploring her mountains and seas, but isn't it a lot more fun if we just assume they violate sheep all day?)

The truth is, I don't really get the wording of this random article. It's like it was written for someone who... gets things. And since that's never really been my forte - be it math, women, or simply tying my shoes - I'm just going to leave this wiki alone and say that business seems to be running quite smoothly in New Zealand thanks to council-controlled organisations... with an S.

However, if somebody can better explain these to me, please comment.

I'm curious as to whether or not I was even remotely close... unlike an elbow coming anywhere near Cannavaro's face.

[wikipedia article] [photo link] [home]

D. French Slaughter, Jr.

2010-06-17T10:06:00.028-04:00

Say, do you have a thing for racist southern politicians who choose to go by their middle names?

(You do? Really?)

Well, today's your lucky day!

Meet D. French Slaughter, Jr. - former United States congressman from Virginia. The D stands for Daniel. However, for some reason, Mr. Slaughter decided that going by French was the fast track to respectability.

I beg to differ.

Of course, had he been alive today, undoubtedly he would now be D. Freedom Slaughter, Jr.

And if you don't enjoy the juxtaposition of the words Freedom and Slaughter, then I'm afraid we simply can't be friends.

So ol' Frenchy was born in Culpeper, Virginia in 1925 and went on to serve in the United States Army, even earning a Purple Heart. Though I can't find his official rank, I'm just going to allow myself to believe that he became sergeant. I mean... that would make him Sgt. Slaughter!

If you watched pro wrestling in the early 90's you understand the amazing significance.

Which is none. But the nostalgia is nice.

Anyway, let's get back to our fine southern racist, for Slaughter is perhaps best known for supporting 'massive resistance' in the 1960's.

Now, for those of you who aren't familiar with this term, I assure you that it has nothing to do with severe constipation. Though I do like it as a new euphemism.

"French is going to be a while. He's experiencing massive resistance."

However, the term actually deals with a political policy to "unite other white politicians and leaders in Virginia in a campaign of new state laws and policies to prevent public school desegregation after the Brown v. Board of Education Supreme Court decision in 1954."

To put it in simple terms (with deference to The Offspring): You gotta keep 'em separated!

Supporters of the massive resistance literally wanted to shut down schools rather than have them integrated, and Slaughter even once boycotted a 1990 speech by Nelson Mandela. I mean, honestly... who boycotts Madiba?

Eventually, our man was elected to the House of Representatives from Virginia's 7th congressional district - a seat currently held by minority whip, Eric Cantor. (FYI: He's the only Jewish Republican in congress. You've come a long way district seven. Holla!)

Though reelected three additional times, due to a series of strokes Slaughter ended up resigning from office in 1991. He died seven years later.

Platelets. You gotta keep 'em separated.

[wikipedia article] [photo link] [home]

MegaHAL

2010-06-16T07:56:00.028-04:00

Every now and then you stumble upon the amazing creations of the world's greatest minds, finally getting just a small glimpse at the glory of scientific potential.

Like the Shake Weight.

Yes, the future is now.

But then sometimes you stumble upon MegaHAL - computer technology so completely revolutionary that, essentially, it lets you have a real, full-on virtual conversation with that super crazy drunk guy at the bar without the annoyance of actually having to put on pants and leave your own apartment.

It's just like having Andy Dick right there inside your laptop. Except way funnier... which probably only took about six minutes of coding to accomplish.

According to the wiki, MegaHal "is a computer conversation simulator, or "chatterbot", created by Jason Hutchens."

And a chatterbot is pretty much what it sounds like - "a computer program designed to simulate an intelligent conversation with one or more human users via auditory or textual methods."

So, you run your MegaHAL technology, and start typing in your part of the conversation. Then, using artificial intelligence, processing words and phrases, MegaHAL responds to you. As you continue to use the program, MegaHAL evolves by remembering new words and sentence structures, though it doesn't actually understand the conversation.

Thus making it almost as fun as teaching a toddler how to curse.

"Billy... say I have a dingleberry. Good! Now go say that to your mom. And get me a beer."

To demonstrate this technology, I downloaded the Duke to Go iPhone application which is based on MegaHAL artificial intelligence. You type. It responds in both writing and computer voicing.

However, do bare in mind that this particular program appears to have been inspired by immature middle schoolers who still find poop jokes hilariously funny. So, I guess what I'm trying to say is that this is the greatest application ever!

In fact, it's the first app I have ever downloaded that requires age verification. I liked it before I even tried it.

Here is a real conversation (spelling errors included):

Me: Duke, are you watching the World Cup?
Duke: F--- ourselves stupid, then walk away so that my world to you, i am over you baby.
Me: Duke, there's really no need to curse.
Duke: No need for the man.
Me: I don't understand you, Duke. It's like I'm not even here.
Duke: Are you there, duke? It's me, mgargaret. And i'm on the bathroom and poo in the body. One of these more specific hypotheses is the ups guy going to kick you hoe.
Me: Duke, I love you. I think we need to see a marriage counselor.
Duke: I think of the petitions included 'legalise prostitution', 'legalise x rated video' and 'support gay marriage'.
Me: Duke, you're not making any sense. You need help. I LOVE YOU.
Duke: Help me help you.

In other news, Duke will be appearing on the next season of A&E's Intervention.

Duke: "It's like I'm walking on sunshine!"

That said, it's important to remember that MegaHAL was a creation of late 90's technology and, at the time, was probably rather advanced in the field of artificial intelligence. So, don't judge it just because Duke has serious mental issues.

I mean, at least he's never been kicked off Jimmy Kimmel. Andy Dick.

(Note: Feel free to comment with your short conversations with Duke. Don't worry about the cursing... just copy and paste.)

[wikipedia article] [photo link] [home]

Hesperilla

2010-06-15T07:18:00.011-04:00

If you need proof that I'm only clicking the Random Article button once each day and writing about whatever topic happens to come up, look no further than today's pile of crap.

I mean, we're talking literally millions upon millions of entries, and this is my second winged-insect in less than a week. Believe me, I thought about clicking the Random Article button once more for my own sanity - hell, I would have gladly written about syphilis - but I knew that if I did click it again I probably couldn't look myself in the mirror or sleep comfortably at night.

Granted, this might also have something to do with actually having shot a man in Reno just to watch him die.

Not nearly as exciting as I thought it would be. Johnny never mentioned that.

So, alas, today's random article is a butterfly. Specifically, one that is in the "genus of skippers in the family Hesperiidae."

Now, the only slightly redeeming quality about this boring topic is that these butterflies, as it turns out, are rather agile. As the word 'skipper' implies, Hesperillas "are named after their quick, darting flight habits."

I never really thought of butterflies as Heisman material. And I still don't.

They're effing butterflies.

Anyway, I'm not going to waste any more of our time on this topic. It's a dud, and I'd much rather watch this New Zealand v Slovakia World Cup match.

So, instead of spewing more of this literary diarrhea, I'm just going to ask my readers - both of you - to leave a comment on this blog entry and tell me about anything from your morning. Literally anything. Did you eat a banana? Outstanding! Far more exciting than butterflies. I'm dying to hear all about your banana.

Did you shoot a man in Reno before driving to work? Even better! Give me all the details.

Though, I promise you it's not nearly as exciting as I thought it would be.

[wikipedia article] [photo link] [home]

Robert Gober

2010-06-14T08:03:00.014-04:00

Moe Szyslak, the low-life bartender from The Simpsons, once described post-modernism as "weird for the sake of weird."

Really, that's fairly accurate. Not demeaning. Just accurate.

And, though I'm certainly not an art scholar (or a scholarly in any other way save for being an expert in regurgitating Simpsons lines, which, mind you, ought to count for something) I would say that Moe's analysis seems to work quite well when describing the art of today's random article subject: Robert Gober.

Gober is a Connecticut-born sculptor who studied at a bunch of fancy art schools where I'm assuming that beer-bonging, jackass frat guys like me would have been socially shunned and thoroughly confused by the fact that showing up to a party with a case of Natty Lite didn't immediately offer cool points and a warm sense of unearned self-worth.

"Whatever. This party sucks, anyway."

Though Gober dabbled in photography, prints, and drawings, he is, perhaps, best known for his re-constructions of everyday objects - but with just enough weirdness to somehow qualify them as art.

"Normally, this is just a stool. But notice that I've given it boobies and a bird's nest. Now, shower me with your praise!"

Gober never actually said that, but it is true that one of his most famous sculptures is, indeed, a stool... with boobies and bird's nest.

Sadly, he had me at boobies.

Another rather well-known piece of his was an unnamed installation commonly referred to as leg. There's not a lot of mystery to this one - it's a half-leg made from beeswax, cotton, wood, leather and human hair.

As a prosthetic it would would be like adorning your nub with a Louis Vuitton bag... and human hair. Which, while stylish, probably wouldn't win you the 100 meters in the paralympics.

By the way, for the price-conscious, you could probably find a street-side knock off of the very same leg and your shallow friends would never know the difference.

"Oh, I love your Louis Vuitton leg!"

So, anyway, the man apparently likes legs. At least we have common ground.

But sinks were were also a favorite medium of Mr. Gober, and he presumably sat down one day with one and thought, "What this thing needs is legs... a child's legs."

However, I now sit down and think, "No. What this thing needs is plumbing... plumbing that will allow it to function as a sink."

But that's just me. I don't get po-mo. You know, post-modern!

Yeah, alright. Weird for the sake of weird.

[wikipedia article] [photo link] [home]

Ron Johnson (politician)

2010-06-11T07:54:00.022-04:00

Well, now, this is actually a fairly decent random article for a Friday. Nice and simple. No real technical terms or difficult concepts.

I mean, hey... he's just some Canadian.

Oh settle down, Canada. I kid because I love.

Here. I'll say something nice: I admire your national anthem - it's devoid of rockets and bombs and its tonal structure is scientifically obtainable by the human vocal range... and I can actually sing every single word by memory.

That's what going to lots of Phoenix Coyotes hockey games as a teenager will do to you. Granted, it will also give you a horrible sense that nothing is worth living for.

Seriously. Ask me how many times they've made it out of the first round of the playoffs since I've been a fan.

The answer: ZERO!

But I digress...

Ron Johnson served in the Legislative Assembly of Ontario from 1995 to 1999 as a Progressive Conservative from the division of Brantford. Basically, in U.S. speak, he was the equivalent of a state senator, and Brantford would be the same as one of our numerically assigned state legislative districts.

On the other hand, the somewhat oxymoronic term Progressive Conservative doesn't really translate for those of us south of the border, for in our polarized society, to be both progressive and conservative would result in a terrible sense of self-loathing and, ultimately, years of therapy.

So what about his record? Well, according to the wiki entry, Mr. Johnson highlighted his freshman year by lobbying in support of completing Highway 403.

Mazel tov?

However, he is perhaps best known for playing hooky and "was often criticized for his extended absences. A 1998 newspaper report described him as "among the worst attendees in the legislature", and it was noted that other Progressive Conservative MPPs often teased him on his record."

"Hey Ro-Jo, miss any legislative sessions lately? Oh wait. You did. All of them!"

Of course, it is for this reason, alone, that he is now my favorite politician. I admire his disservice.

Ultimately, for his complete lack of giving a crap, party leadership banished him to a corner office in the basement where it's entirely possible that he was actually quite pleased to be able to piss away even more time on the internet without people noticing.

"From this day forth you shall spend all your time in a personal man-cave. What's that? Yes. You may have a kegerator."

The Brantford Expositor newspaper even accused him of spending more time on the golf course than in legislature.

I think we would have made excellent friends.

Ron Johnson chose not to run for re-election in 1999, but did choose to accept his $39,000 in severance pay.

Which will pay for a lot of gas to go joyriding down Highway 403!

[wikipedia article] [photo link] [home]

Oil pump (internal combustion engine)

2010-06-10T08:03:00.022-04:00

I've long admired individuals who know how to work on their own cars, not so much because I appreciate most any technical ability - which I do - but because they get to have cool conversations that I'm quite unable to be a part of.

Smart Car Person 1: "Yep. Spent the whole damn day working on those intake valves, but I finally sorted it out once I managed to pop off the air box."

Smart Car Person 2: "I feel you, Dave. Those hose clamps can be a real pain. What worked for you?"

Smart Car Person 1: "Six-thousand tools in my garage, and all it took was a flathead screwdriver.

Me: "Hey, did anybody catch Cleveland Show last night?"

Full disclosure: You'd be amazed at how much research went into developing that fictional dialogue. If I had mustered just half that intellectual energy in college, perhaps I would have spent less time nervously crying myself to sleep in the fetal position.

Bygones.

The point is, I was painfully reminded of my complete lack of car knowledge this morning when today's random article came up an oil pump for an internal combustion engine. Especially since, as it turns out, this thing allows for proper lubrication and is fairly important to the overall functionality of your automobile.

Unlike, say, your check engine light, which, so far as I can tell, is only fairly important to the guy who swipes my credit card at the repair shop.

So, just what is an oil pump?

Well, according to the article, it "is usually a gear type (gear pump), driven by the crankshaft or camshaft, or a rotor type (rotary pump)."

Crap.

That wiki description might as well have been written in Klingon. The rest of the article - Na'vi.

In fact, I now offer up this device to anyone with any sense of car know-how. Please comment on this article and attempt to explain it in very... simple... language.

Then write, 'Cool, I finally figured this out on my own!" and sign it with my name .

And, until then, I'll just briefly tell you about my single greatest personal auto repair victory!

The other day I was backing out of my driveway to go to work and, thinking about other things - perhaps wondering if I remembered to put on pants that morning - I accidentally smashed my passenger side mirror into my back gate.

On the plus side, I was wearing pants.

After a few phone calls to the nearest GM dealerships (thank you very much, Saturn), I finally managed to order a new mirror, thus allowing me to now use the phrase: "I had to order a part."

Totally gratifying.

A week later, the mirror arrived. I drove up to the dealership, paid a mere sixteen bucks for my part, popped off the old, and snapped on the new. Bing! Bam! Boom!

OK, that was a lie. I actually had to ask one of the garage guys for help snapping on the new mirror, an event made horribly demoralizing after he simply took it from my hands and dink! put it on with what can only be described as negative effort.

Garage Guy: "There ya go."

Me: "Hey, did you catch Cleveland Show last night?"

[wikipedia article] [photo link] [home]

Conistra

2010-06-09T08:10:00.030-04:00

Well, if you're a fan of two-sentence definitions, and if you have a certain fetish for winged insects, then today is your lucky day.

(Bye bye, pants!)

Our topic... is moths.

That's right, those little insects that are closely related to the butterfly, but without all the prestige, wonder, and natural beauty that eventually find them pinned dead to card stock as a middle school science project.

Ah, the magical life of a butterfly!

Specifically, today we're going to learn about one particular moth - the conistra. Behold its two-sentence wiki:

"Conistra is a genus of moths of the Noctuidae family. There are three subgenera, Orrhodiella, Dasycampa and Peperina."

Sadly, for two simply constructed sentences, I can count at least six words I don't understand. It's sort of like when I read pretty much any children's book.

I'm serious. Horton Hears a Who! put me in a coma for a week. Yet, amazingly, I understood every single last word of Finnegan's Wake.

Go figure.

So, to sum these two sentences up in simple English... a conistra is a really strong moth.

Full stop.

And according the second part of this wiki, there actually appears to be a rather lengthy list of thirty-six species stemming from this particular genus. However, only five were deemed worthy enough to have their own separate wikis, leading me to believe that the other thirty-one have failed to accomplish anything noteworthy in their lives.

They're like the Stephen Baldwins of the Conistras.

Yet, further research reveals that the worthy five only appear to embody a bland shade of beige and are, by pretty much any standard, rather uninteresting. Even more peculiar: All happen to have the word "chestnut" in their species name.

Coincidence? I think not.

More than likely, somewhere out there sits a man who just loves chestnut moths, and, to appease his fetish, made damn sure that each had it's own special entry in the online free encyclopedia. After which, he probably went on a multi-state killing spree while wearing lipstick and an extra small Hannah Montana tank top.

Bye bye, pants!

[wikipedia article] [photo link] [home]

Supreme Court of Iraq

2010-06-08T08:00:00.011-04:00

Happy Tuesday. Not really.

This is one of those wiki articles that hardly even attempts to share any meaningful insights, is only about three sentences long, and doesn't really offer up any fun image-searching.

So, here, you get a photo of Saddam covering his mouth. Is he in disbelief... or is he bored? You be the judge. Me, I think he just threw up in his mouth a little bit. The sound it made was blaaaaaaaarg. That's how Iraqis vomit - a slight variation from the common huuuuuuuurrrrrr of most Western cultures.

These are facts.

Now, when I just wrote that this article is only about three sentences long, what I meant to say is that it's exactly three sentences long. As opposed to the wiki for the United States Supreme Court, which may or may not have been entirely written by Tolstoy and sites over 170 references.

I did a quick search, and Cat Fancy wasn't one of them.

But as for the three sentences that make up the wiki for the Supreme Court of Iraq... well, here they are:

"The Supreme Court of Iraq is the independent judicial body of Iraq that interprets the constitution and determines the constitutionality of laws and regulations. It acts as a final court of appeals, settles disputes amongst or between the federal government and the regions and governorates, municipalities, and local administrations, and settles accusations directed against the President, the Prime Minister and the Ministers. It also ratifies the final results of the general elections for the Council of Representatives.^[1]"

You'll notice that this wiki does at least make one reference. And I'm happy to report that it was Cat Fancy.

So, that's that. I click the Random Article button once, and I take what I get.

Huuuuuuuurrrrrr!

[wikipedia article] [photo link] [home]

Vince Weldon

2010-06-07T07:42:00.027-04:00

Today's random article is about one of those individuals whose name you'll never really know, but are constantly in awe of his work. Sort of like Paul Fusco, the guy who invented the TV character ALF.

OK, so maybe my standards for what inspires awe are slightly below par - this, based on the fact that I still think farts are both funny and amazing - but I defy you to tell me that, when it comes to iconic American fictional characters, Gordon Shumway doesn't rank right up there with Tom Joad.

I'm serious. I will literally fist fight you over this.

Fortunately, unlike the puppetry work of Mr. Fusco, there shouldn't be any debate about the incredible innovations by Vince Weldon, an aerospace engineer who "designed critical components for the Apollo moon mission, as well as the Space Shuttle."

An employee of Boeing since 1960, Weldon designed everything from 727 wing flaps, to support and release systems for the lunar module, to the aft fuselage for the Space Shuttle orbiter.

Need comparison? This morning I made a protein shake.

However, Weldon is, perhaps, best known for his recent safety criticisms about Boeing's new 787 Dreamliner - an aircraft so hip and modern that I'd hope I'd only require half a Valium and one cocktail to finally feel relaxed and comfortable with the fact that I'm about to speed through the air at 30,000 feet inside a giant metal tube.

(I hate flying - my current profile picture was taken before boarding a prop jet in Panama.)

Of course, Weldon's safety concerns sort of bump that ambitious half Valium right back up. I'm thinking... eight.

For it was in 2006 that Weldon "told Boeing management that the carbon fiber-reinforced plastic material which was being used to construct the Boeing 787 Dreamliner was unsafe, and less safe than a conventional aluminium aircraft."

First of all, I never actually realized that airplanes are made from conventional aluminium - essentially a Mountain Dew can propelled with jet fuel. Comforting.

But more to the point... if Weldon is concerned about this so-called carbon fiber-reinforced plastic, then I, too, am concerned.

Naturally, Weldon was fired by Boeing after his remarks, prompting him to file a whistleblower complaint with OSHA. However, his request for whistleblower status was denied "largely on the grounds that Boeing's 787 design does not violate any FAA regulations or standards."

And that sort of blows. Not whistles.

Officially, Boeing claims he was fired for threatening a supervisor. I don't know. Maybe he just didn't enjoy being treated like a corporate puppet.

Gordon Shumway would be proud.

[wikipedia article] [photo link] [home]

Jimmy Vee

2010-06-04T08:14:00.032-04:00

Oh thank you, Wiki Gods, for this Friday gift! A dwarf! It could literally have been anything, and today I got a famous dwarf!

Apparently, the little man of note is a British actor who stands about three-foot-eight. That's exactly one foot taller than Mini-Me. Still pretty short.

And, as we are quite well aware, when it comes to the world of entertainment, dwarfs are always - always - treated with complete dignity - never relegated to minor roles as creepy villains or canon fodder for feats of human absurdity.

Yes, dwarfs are respected members of the acting community, sought after to take on the very same characters played by our most beloved full-size thespians.

Really?

Not really. (cue sad trombone)

It's totally unfair, but Jimmy Vee had to make his career as a stunt performer who also played aliens and monsters on the show Doctor Who.

Oh well. I guess a guy's gotta work.

Besides, even fine actors like Robin Williams have gone alien. Remember Mork? Hell, Mork got to live in Boulder, Colorado and, eventually, even have sex with his roommate, Mindy! That's a pretty sweet gig, right?

So, let me just pull one of Jimmy Vee's characters at random... okaaaaaaay, I'm seeing something called... Space Pig.

Hmmm. Space Pig. Well, I'm sure it was more dignified than it sounds.

According to this particular character's Dr. Who wiki page the Space Pig was 'a pig from Earth that was kidnapped and genetically modified by the Raxacoricofallapatorian Slitheen family into a Humanoid form with an enhanced brain and set into a spaceship launched from Earth in the North Sea and rigged to land in the Thames 12 hours later, as an excuse to put the British government into red alert for an alien invasion. It was shot and killed by a member of the army (possibly a member of UNIT) while running around a military base scared out of its wits, despite the Doctor wanting it to survive.'

Wow. That's pretty messed up. All of a sudden, Wee-Man kicking himself in the head for Jackass seems right up there with playing King Lear at The Globe.

Though, to be fair, I suppose Jimmy Vee can always walk proud because, hey, at least he was playing weirdos on Doctor Who. And that's quality entertainment!

So, I salute you, Mr. Vee and your many acting accomplishments. Not just anybody can play the Space Pig, and others have taken far more embarrassing alien roles.

I mean, good grief, John Travolta did Battlefield Earth!

Oh well. I guess a guy's gotta work.

[wikipedia article]
[photo link]

List of fictional characters who can manipulate plants

2010-06-03T07:55:00.022-04:00

Wow. They will literally put anything on Wikipedia. I love it!

In fact, I want to personally meet the nerds who compiled this list just to see if they all look like Comic Book Guy from The Simpsons.

Best. Wiki. Ever.

So, it’s pretty much what it says - a list of super-beings who can manipulate plants. Though, I have to wonder what, exactly, they mean by manipulate. Are they suggesting a certain level of peer pressure aimed at, say, an oak tree?

“Hey, Oak. Yeah, big leafy mother. I’m talking to you. You ever smoke… marijuana? C’mon! All the cool trees are doing it."

In case you were wondering, that oak tree buckled to the pressure and went on to form Jefferson Airplane. A lot of people don’t know that. See. You’re learning.

Now, before I get into the relative importance of these super-beings who, ahem, manipulate plants, I want to first go down the list and see how many I can actually recognize. You see, I'm into such things as leaving my house and being social, so my personal database of plant-manipulating-comic-book-characters lacks a certain - how should I say - anything.

Thus, I can recognize... one. Poison Ivy

And the only reason I even know Poison Ivy is because Uma Thurman once played this character in that steaming pile of crap movie known as Batman & Robin. You might remember her from such completely forgettable lines as:

"Batface and Birdbrain turned out to be much more resistant to my love-dust than expected."

And...

"Come join me. My garden needs tending."

Yes, it truly was a tour-de-force. However, I do forgive Uma because she was in Beautiful Girls, and anybody who doesn't love that movie is a communist.

Among the other honorees on this list, my top three favorites (by name only) would be:

1: Man-Thing because I have a third-grade sense of humor
2: Bushroot for the same reason
and
3: Black Tom Cassidy because it makes me wonder if there's a White Tom Cassidy and, if not, why they had to bring race into it.

Overall, I think most of these names are rather obscure. My comic-book-loving friend Alberto says he only recognized about ten.

So, being that these characters are more-or-less unimportant in the world of comic books, I'm just going to stop here and move on from this article. Maybe spend some time relaxing in the backyard.

Come join me. My garden needs tending.

[wikipedia article]
[photo link]

2d Troop Carrier Squadron

2010-06-02T08:58:00.015-04:00

I've decided that military articles are difficult for me to write about because they tend to involve detailed terminology and other things for which I am unable to process without passing out.

And reaching a new level of dumb, here I was easily mistaken by the very first word: 2d.

See, I thought it had something to do with non-violent two-dimensional warfare where troops battle each other by passing along paper drawings of bullets and bombs.

Though I should have known this was incorrect logic due to the fact that the Dutch had direct access to M.C. Escher who, in a world of 2d warfare, could have easily ended the 1940 German invasion with a simple staircase.

"Mein Fuhrer, it just... keeps going."

It turns out that 2d actually stands for 2nd. As in... not first. Apparently the military is too cool for a lowercase n. Whatever.

Finally back on track, I learned that the SECOND Troop Carrier Squadron is an inactive United States Air Force unit who, in 1941, was established to perform aerial mapping and reconnaissance. Think Google Earth, but without looking into your bedroom window.

The squadron ran these missions for 12 years before going permanently inactive. And while the unit's proud legacy includes important missions over Western Canada, the Aleutian Islands, and the Southwest Pacific, perhaps its greatest contribution is its wicked-awesome emblem!

It appears to be a rodent of some sort, running from flying bullets as it bravely snaps a few more photographs to go with the rolled up mad under his arm. The only question is: What kind of rodent?

I asked two friends. The first said squirrel. The second wasn't quite sure and expressed this through profanity. In the end, we all agreed on beaver.

Now, wicked-awesome as this might be, it still has nothing on the single greatest military emblem of all time. Of course, I'm referring to that of the Flying Hellfish!

Worn proudly by both Grandpa Simpson and C. Montgomery Burns in World War II, the Flying Hellfish were made fictitiously famous in the Simpsons episode: Raging Abe Simpson and His Grumbling Grandson in "The Curse of the Flying Hellfish."

You can read all about the Flying Hellfish on Wikisimpsons. Yes. The Simpsons have their own wiki site. God is good.

So check it out, and find out why they were known as the "Fightingest squad in the fightingest company in the third-fightingest battalion in the army.

Or as the real military might put it... the 3d fightingest battalion in the army.

[wikipedia article]
[photo link]

Abdul Rahman of Negeri Sembilan

2010-06-01T08:09:00.020-04:00

Alright. This one is going to require every ounce of intelligence I can muster which, sadly, isn't going to be much. We're all sort of doomed, here.

And let's just start with this guy's full name with title: Colonel Paduka Sri Sir Tuanku Abdul Rahman ibni Almarhum Tuanku Muhammad, GCMG.

When your name has four wiki links within it, you've either massively inflated your sense of self-worth, or you were once 'the first Supreme Head of State (Yang di-Pertuan Agong) of the Federation of Malaya, eighth Yang di-Pertuan Besar of Seri Menanti and second Yang di-Pertuan Besar of modern Negeri Sembilan.'

Just to trump him, I'm taking that low road and legally changing my name to: Sir Jarrett World War II Guns N' Roses Milkshake Bellini, Esq.

Current level of self-worth: High

Right. So, like I said, this one is going to be tough to break down into layman's terms. I blame myself for making a personal rule that I would write about whatever came up with the day's first random article no matter what.

I'm not saying this man isn't worthy - I'm saying I'm not worthy.

Now let's get this over with.

Colonel: This man was a commissioned officer who held a military rank.
Paduka: No idea.
Sri: A Sanskrit word, became the equivalent to 'mister' in English.
Sir: OMG, we share the same title!
Tuanku Abdul Rahman: A very slight variation of the first part of his given name: Tunku Abdul Rahman at Seri Menanti
ibni Almarhum Tuanku Muhammad: From what I can tell, this probably translates to something like 'son of Almarhum Tuanku Muhammad.' That, or it's completely different. In which case, you're on your own.

And now that we've butchered his name and title up nicely, let's move on to what (henceforth) Tuanku Abdul Rahman actually accomplished - specifically, that he became the first head of state of the Federation of Malaya. The Federation of Malaya was a '11 states that existed from 31 January 1948 until 16 September 1963. Comprising the nine Malay states and the British settlements of Penang and Malacca, it was eventually superseded by Malaysia.'

In stupid: He once ruled the that big chunk of Malaysia bordering Thailand. Nice!

The article later reveals he enjoyed boxing. So, you know... there's also that.

And with that... I quit.

Sir Jarrett World War II Guns N' Roses Milkshake Bellini, Esq. simply doesn't have time for learning of this magnitude.

[wikipedia article]
[photo link]

Statenvertaling

2010-05-28T08:20:00.009-04:00

When I first saw the title of today's article, I was instantly excited because I thought I would get to read about the toxic cesspool that is Staten Island. Surely the suffix vertaling had something to do with burrowing a home within the garbage of 8-million New Yorkers.

Alas, I was wrong. This one's about The Bible.

The word Statenvertaling is actually Dutch for state translation. This, in regards to the Statenbijbel - the state Bible. Thus, using every speck of intelligence procured from four years at American University, I have determined that the prefix staten means state.

Thank you very much. I'll be taking the rest of the day off to rest my head.

Specifically, the Statenvertaling was the 'first official Bible translation from the original Hebrew and Greek languages to the Dutch language, first published in 1637.'

But here's my favorite part. The call for this translation came about after a rather lengthy meeting at the Synod of Dort. Yes. The Synod of Dort. One-hundred-percent chance Hobbits were present.

Synod translates to council, and Dort is, presumably, just a really hip way of saying Dordrecht - a city in southern Holland, for it was in this town that our synod met from November 13, 1618 until May 9, 1619. Apparently they were having issues with PowerPoint.

Because all the existing Dutch Bibles were merely translations of other translations, they must have decided that, in the absence of a quality Babel Fish, the good book should be treated with slightly more reverence than a game of telephone.

You can imagine the church's frustration when 'In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth.' kept coming out as 'At first, there was a very big bang!'

The Statenvertaling was completed in 1635 and authorized in 1637 - the language and wording formed the basis of standardized Dutch. AKA: German Lite.

No Hobbits were harmed in the making of this book.

[wikipedia article]
[photo link]

Landscape products

2010-05-27T07:58:00.014-04:00

This is one of those articles that falls under the label of: NOT INTERESTING.

I mean, who was the guy who just couldn't sleep until there was an entry for landscape products?

"Honey, come back to bed. It's three in the morning."
"I can't, Diane. Not until the entire world has a very vague, general idea about landscape products."
"Well, at least put some pants on."
"Woman! You know how I feel about landscape products!"

Granted, it's not a very long article. The entire thing reads:

Landscape products refers to a group of building industry products used by garden designers and landscape architects and exhibited at trade fairs devoted to these industries. It includes: walls, fences, paving, gardening tools, outdoor lighting, water features, fountains, garden furniture, garden ornaments, gazebos, garden buildings, pond liners. The skills of combining these products to produce places are known as landscape design and landscape detailing.

Hold your hats - I think I can make it even shorter: Landscape products are crap you use to make your yard look nice. Full stop.

As a somewhat recent home-owner, I have a bit of experience when it comes to landscape products. Though, to be fair, the bulk of my experience comes with paying people to add their landscape products to my lawn, and then watching them install said landscape products. It requires 100% less effort. That's a scientific fact.

I have, however, done some work to my property that required the use of landscape products. For example, I used paving stones to build a small fire pit in my back yard. I half-assed it just like everything else I do in life, but it looks more or less OK. Someday I may even use it.

But I won't be wearing pants.

Woman, you know how I feel about landscape products!

[wikipedia article]
[photo link]

Psychological numbing

2010-05-26T19:18:00.026-04:00

Have you ever dressed yourself in plastic to systematically murder a complete stranger with a large axe and then gone on about your day as though all you had done that morning was simply eaten a ham sandwich?

No? (Really? Not even once?)

Well, if you had, you would have been experiencing psychological numbness - a 'mental self-defense mechanism used to prevent psychological trauma.' Of course, that's just a fancy way of saying you blocked it out. For further information, please see my entire childhood.

The article states that psychological numbing happens when a 'mental entity chooses to ignore thoughts or emotions relating to a specific body of knowledge, emotions, or ideas.'

Keywords: Mental Entity. Thus, Lindsay Lohan has never experienced this phenomenon.

However, I'm not fully convinced by this explanation. It seems to me that a psycho killer doesn't simply choose to ignore the consequences of what he did. Clearly, one piece of grey matter had to have turned to another piece and said, "I'm stepping out for a bit. Hold my calls."

Seriously. Try it. Drop what you are doing right now, step outside, murder somebody, and then try to block it out. I bet you can't do it. (Note: This is a really bad idea. Don't actually try this. Not even once.)

Of course, the article does go on to say that psychological numbing 'is often induced by social conditioning.'

Perfect example: I was in a fraternity in college. As a consequence, I became numb to the idea that it's rather meat-headish and pathetic to drink lots of cheap beer and then yell things in public at four in the morning.

It's been been over ten years. Thankfully, I'm normal again. I only yell things in public before eleven.

But it's no big deal. I'm usually just looking for my missing grey matter.

[wikipedia article]
[photo link]